Shriveling
2007-02-02, 8:41 a.m.

Last night we found out that one of our bowling teammates had a heart attack. He's 40 years old. It was a shocker. Thankfully he'll be okay, he had angioplasty done and will be released sometime today. But damn a heart attack.

I used to be such a positive person, but I swear the older I get the more cynical I get. I no longer believe in the fantasy of "happily ever after" - happiness takes work and it can work, but it's not a given.

I worry all the time about the environment, and I hear the President saying basically, "well I know it needs attention, but just not right now." Well when George? When the ice caps melt completely? And what the hell is he going to do anyway order us all to "cut your energy use by 10%." Okay how? I've already switched to ethanol, I take the bus to work everyday, we recycle our pop cans. What more can I do?

As I've said before I worry about the threat of nuclear war. I mean how can I not? I listen to the news shows and they are so depressing. Many of them all but say, we're heading for a nuclear disaster in the near future!

Then there's small stuff like the fact that Eagle's new friend (whom I like a lot) has this young and immature girlfriend who a few years ago, I would have been able to deal with. Maybe I could have helped her grow a little, been the wise older one to guide her. But fuck that anymore. I don't have the time or the patience, I just don't want to deal with her at all.

I sometimes feel like I'm shriveling up. Eagle said the other day that her family, though they love me, think that I'm very disconnected from people. They're right. I am. I don't know when it happened, I think it was gradual. It started with my ex-husband's continual cheating, then the woman most important to me in my life died mentally and then physically, then the person that I pinned all my happiness on broke my heart into about a billion pieces. Somewhere during those phases in my life, I unplugged. I stopped putting out too much of myself and stopped taking too much of others in. I don't want to hurt for other people, I don't want to grieve for other people, I don't have it in me anymore.

So I am turning into a shriveled up, cynical, old woman. So be it. At least it frees up time and energy for my career.

last - next