What's the deal?
2003-02-10, 4:31 p.m.

I'm frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, and sick and tired of bullshit. Okay so MyLove hasn't been over to see me in a week. She was supposed to come over yesterday after work, but hearing how sick she sounded I suggested that if she would rather just go home and rest that would be fine....so of course, much to my dismay, she did. Okay, whatever, it was my suggestion after all so I can't complain. But today she's even worse and now I'm feeling guilty because we had planned to go out to dinner tonight and for her to stay with me for her next couple of days off. I did suggest that she stay home if she wanted to, but she said basically she didn't want to because she didn't want to cause me more "drama trauma." I told her I'd be fine, but no she is now taking the role of the martyr.

My thoughts on the whole stupid thing is that she loves me, and I love her, and we haven't seen each other in a week. Personally there would be absolutely nothing standing in my way of seeing her...why doesn't she feel the same way? It seems as if she only wants to see me when it's convenient for her. Unlike me, who wants to spend every waking moment with her. I realize I'm a little extreme, but my point is that I am in love and I want to be with the person I love as much as possible. What does it mean that she doesn't appear to feel the same way?

Does she really miss me when she is sitting at home talking to me on the phone, when in reality she could be sitting next to me if she chose to? I don't think it does. I think she misses me like you miss an old friend you haven't seen in awhile, not the ache that causes your heart to skip a beat and places that lump in your throat and you feel like you might just die if you can't hold that person at that exact moment.

Am I going just going to have to face it that she will never have the same types of feelings for me? She'll never be the romantic type of person who might surprise me and show up unexpectedly just because she missed me?

And of course underneath it all is my sinking fear and suspicion that it has to do with TheEXfromHELL. Is she spending more time at home so she can talk to her on the phone more? Have more IM sessions with her? Make sure she is there when TheEXfromHELL calls her? Is this all my imagination? Normally I might say yes, but being that I've been through this all before and the feelings turned out to be right on the money and she was talking with TheEXfromHELL about getting back together, I have lost some trust in that area...so as far as I'm concerned...anything is possible.

Now I have to separate things in my mind. Is she really just sick, and therefore, distant and crabby? Is she using being sick as an excuse for something else? Or is it all my crazy imagination and that same old self-depreciating thought that says, "you can never be loved totally, so you might as well just settle for what you can get."

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