In the Beginning
4-7-03, 1:00 p.m.

Yep, it's another on-line journal. First of all, if you think that you know me in real life, please Email Me and let me know you've found me. I have not told anyone in real life about this journal and I plan to keep it that way. I really don't care if people that I don't know, or that I only know on line read this or not. This journal is for me. It is a convenient way for me to write and vent. Sure it would be great if people read me and liked me and all, but my goal is not to be a favorite author, but simply to vent in a healthy way.

Okay with that said, here's a bit more about me. I grew up in Michigan. I was an only child until my mom remarried a man with five kids. Two of the kids came to live with us and promptly took great advantage of the only child who was not used to having to fight for her things.

I always had many boyfriends and tended to dump my girlfriends in order to spend as much time with the boyfriends as I could. During high school I met a girl that I fell in love with. She and I had a very close relationship that was everything except sexual. I think we were both afraid that if we tried something sexual the other would think us a freak. But we cuddled, we said we loved each other, we spent all our time together, my heart would pound when she came near me, my heart would hurt when she left, it was a confusing thing, but it was love.

Unfortunately, I met a boy and proceeded to attach to him. I tried to keep a balance between my girlfriend and this boy, but she ended up feeling slighted, and jealous. Eventually she could take no more and ended our friendship. She then left the state to go into the military. I missed her dearly and never stopped thinking about her over the years.

Somewhere around the age of 26 I discovered my attraction to women. At that point my relationship with my old girlfriend clicked and I realized that I loved her much more and in a much different way than I had ever realized. I often fantasized about her, wondered how she was, where she was, and if she ever thought of me, but I figured she probably hated me based on the way our relationship ended.

I resigned myself to the fact that I'd probably never see her again and settled into my marriage content, but not really happy. Then one day in September 2002 I got an email from her. My heart soared and I was excited to find out that she lived in Michigan and was single. We met for lunch and from the moment we laid eyes on each other we knew that the love we shared was still there and stronger than ever.

For the next week I saw her behind my husband's back, though I did tell him about her. She asked me to come live with her, to marry her, to have babies with her. She told me she had always wanted to love me the way I deserved to be loved. For the first time in my life I felt a love so powerful it consumed me. I knew that I could no stay in my marriage.

I broke the news to my husband and I moved in with MyLove. Things were great for the first few weeks, then reality set in. First her ex, who had moved away the year before started to call. The next thing I knew she needed to visit her ex to have some closure. In the meantime, I was happy with my decision to leave, and I tried my best to help my ex-husband through it. Then MyLove's fear of commitment reared it's ugly head and she started to consider reconciling with her ex. I was left to wonder what I'd done with my life.

Over the next few months, MyLove went back and forth between wanting a relationship with me and wanting to run from it. The good times were awesome, the bad times heart wrenching. The whole time her ex, who became known to me as TheEXfromHell did her best to woo MyLove back. A few times it seems that it began to work. But after two visits with each other, which are chronicaled in this diary, MyLove decided to give our relationship the chance that it deserved.

In the middle of this I realized that I needed to move out and be on my own. And, MyLove needed to see that I can make it on my own. So I moved into a rented house, got my own car, and started to live on my own for the first time in my life.

We both know now that our love is very very strong and intoxicating. When things are good with us...it is heaven, when they are bad it is hell. But we moved back in together at the end of March 2003 and so far things are good. Our relationship is hard, there are so many issues involved that it is sometimes hard to keep it all straight, and that is where this journal comes in.

This journal is not really about my relationship, it is about my search for myself. It is about trying to find out who I am, what I'm made of, and what I want. I've never looked inside myself before and now that I am it is scarey sometimes. But it is something I have to do.

I invite anyone who has comments, or suggestions to email me, sign my guestbook, or leave a note. I will not be posting pics on here as I do not want people that I know to find this. But if you are curious and would like to see a pic, email me, introduce yourself and I'll send one to you. She knows I keep a journal, but I do not want her to read it. These are my thoughts, my feelings, and I don't want to have to explain them to her. I do express my feelings to her, but I do it in my own way, and in my own time. I fear that if she read these entries she would take them in the wrong context. So, therefore, I've chosen to keep this a secret.

And that is the story of how I came to be seeking me.

December 4, 2003 update - In August MyLove moved out of my place and in with the ExFromHell...who moved to Michigan to be with her. We were apart for about two weeks and then MyLove wooed me back. Currently she still lives with TheExFromHell, but she and I are "dating" and I am seeing other people (if you can call it that). The plan is for her to move out of the place she shares with TheExFromHell in January. Where to is not yet determined. It will remain to be seen if she does move at all.

April 3, 2004: Another update. Yep, the MyLove still lives with the ExFromHell. However, we are still together. It's hard to explain why, but we are. It comes down to love. I love her. The plan is that we are to buy a house as soon as we find one and move in together. I am busily finding the house and she has been working many hours. I have made a deal with myself though, if the next time I update this, she and TheExFromHell are still under the same roof. I am done. Love or not.
April 15, 2004: Another update. I broke up with MyLove on April 10th and it was THE BEST thing I ever did. I am very happy right now....
November 13, 2005:
Another update. Well I'm still not with myexlove, she has tried several attempts to get me to get back into the game with her and thexfromhell, but I've learned my lesson on that. Eagle and I have been together about a year and a half now, and things are chellenging at times, but good for the most part. Work has been the best thing in my life. I got an awesome promotion and I finally feel like I'm coming into myself at last.

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