trying to think happy thoughts
2004-02-10, 8:39 a.m.

Okay, so maybe it's not so easy to just change the way I've been all my life. I find it hard to be mean. Depsite the fact that I WANT to be mean to roommate woman, I can't. The most I can seem to muster is to ignore her completely. But that's easy because knowing how she feels about me makes me not want to have any kind of interaction with her whatsoever. But I really wanted to show her just what a selfish, self-centered, person is like, but I can't. I can't bring myself to be like that.

Right now I miss MyLove something awful. She called me at 4:00 yesterday saying she had a killer headache and was heading home to bed. It's now 8:40 a.m. and I haven't heard a peep from her. I just want to be sure she's okay.

The next few months are going to be a big challenge with us. She's going to be working a lot of hours and a lot of days in a row. Which means she's going to be tired, and that we won't see much of each other, and with her still living with THeEXFromHell, that means some tension. I'm trying to repeat my mantra of it doesn't matter over and over again, and most days it works, but sometimes it gets the better of me. Sometimes I get that panicked feeling when I remember the shock and pain of realizing that what I thought was the truth wasn't. What if that happens again? It'll hurt. But I have high hopes that what she tells me now is the truth. Completely. It's all I can do.

In the meantime, she loves me like I want, like I need, and it's wonderful. I wish there was more sex, but hopefully when roommates move out and we have more privacy the sex will increase. But other than that we're great.

I'm just going to continue to live for me and be happy with who I am. I guess eventually if I can't handle the stress of the situation, I'll let go. Until that point, I've got to not let it stress me out.

Okay now that I'm drepressed for the day....shit.

Thinking happy thoughts....

Update....a few minutes later....my happy thoughts must have worked because she called and damn I hate to admit how much better one little phone call can make me!

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