Long theraputic entry
2005-02-10, 8:45 a.m.

Another day. Ugh. I am so tired. I guess I'm still fighting the sinus infection.

So last night was good. My sister came home, her and Eagle entered a "truce", I told them both at the same time that I'm out of it. I don't want, nor can I handle being in the middle of it. If one has an issue with the other then they need to take it up with that person, not me.

Eagle seemed to back off alot. I am actually quite proud of her. Yeah, she still overreacts, etc., but she's handled this situation SO much better than similar situations before. She is showing that she can be mature (when she really tries at it), and can back off and let things go. That's a good sign to me.

Despite being PMSy she's still doing good. I can tell her patience is thin right now, but she catches herself before snapping. She tells me when she needs space or quiet, etc, instead of expecting me to just KNOW. She laughs at my sarcasm instead of taking it personally the way she usually does when she's PMSing. So I'm truly hoping this month won't be so bad.

I've been thinking of my mom a lot lately. Her birthday is Feb 21, and she would have been 63. I miss her so much sometimes. I want to scream that it's just not fair that she left me so young. I always thought we'd be together forever. After all, my great grandmother lived to be 100, my grandmother is in her 80's and still sharp as a tack. Why wouldn't I assume that I would grow old with my mother? I never dreamed she'd die before I even had children. It doesn't help, but it's just not fair. It's just not fair.

My dad got back from his honeymoon, and I haven't gotten a call from him yet. He sent a generic email to everyone on his list saying, "we're back." But that's it. I still have his Christmas present as I haven't seen him since his wedding Dec 4. Why can't he just love me like his daughter? What is up with that? Why does the one parent that you love and loves you the same die, and leave you with this imposter. This person who's DNA you share but that's about it! Again, it's just not fair.

Oh I make myself sick when I go on and on about the unfairness of it all. But that's how I've been feeling lately. I just want my mom. I don't want a substitute, I don't want her memory, I don't want pictures, letters, cards, or anything else. I want her. In the flesh, smiling at me, holding me in arms and kissing the top of my head. Even for one day, one hour, one minute. Just one more chance to tell her everything I want to tell her. To hear her tell me she loves me, just one more time.

I guess I need to stop blathering on about all this. I can't change it, it's never going to just go away, this feeling of loss, it's been three years. This is as good as it gets I'm afraid.

Work is going pretty good. My boss is still the bitch of them all, and it seems is spreading her evil through out the department. At least she appears to be off my back for the moment. I'm working hard, keeping up with it all, and doing a good job. Yeah, I'm patting myself on the back, I deserve it.

My sister asked me recently what my greatest accomplishment was, and without even hesitating I said, "working at the same job for 14 years." Not sure if that's sad or not, but it's the truth. I wish I could say, "raising my child" or "getting my master's degree" or something like that, but I can't. But she said, "I don't really have a great accomplishment." I told her that just being alive is an accomplishment. But its true, not everybody does have a great accomplishment that sticks out. I guess I'm glad that I do.

Someday I hope to add raising children to my list. But as each year passes, the hope of that dies a little bit more. And I look around the world and sometimes I think, "Why bring a child into this place?" We've got terrorists, war, global warming, evil, and countless other reasons not to want to expose a child to this world. Maybe it's just a way to help myself feel better when i think I won't have kids. Who knows.

Boy I guess I got a lot out this morning. I better stop now and get some work done. If you made it all the way down here. Thanks for listening.

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