Swirling emotions
2005-02-11, 9:00 a.m.

Well it's Friday. I got paid, and I got my income tax refund, yet I am STILL broke. Granted all my bills will be paid off, the freezer will be filled with meat, cupboards stocked with food, gas in the cars, bus pass bought, bowling fees paid, and most importantly (at least to Eagle) divorced.

I promised her I would file for divorce with my income tax return. So the papers are ready to go, got the money, now I just need to go and file it. I'm not sad to do it. I don't miss my ex-husband at all. That's sad to say I know, I spent 12 years with him and I don't miss him. But I spent 12 years trying to be something I wasn't. Why would I miss that? I miss his friendship. I miss the ease that 12 years with one person gives you. I miss his sense of humor. I miss his family. But that's about it. I don't miss being married to him. He was a slob, he cheated regularly, I was not physically attracted to him in the least; and despite what he says now, he was not physically attracted to me either. Our sex life was horrible. We slept in separate rooms over half of our marriage. The last six years we made love maybe 10 times. At the most. He never touched me in a romantic way. He never seemed to be concerned with my sexual gratification ever. I got used to my own self-love, figured that was as good as it gets. Boy was I wrong.

People who don't "understand" the gay "lifestyle" have often said that it's unnatural. Well let me say that trying to make love to a person of the opposite sex was the most unnatural thing I ever felt. Making love to a woman feels like my nature. It doesn't feel wrong, it only feels right. Am I just making this up? Because I CHOOSE to be gay? No, sorry to disappointe the American Family Values crapolition.

I do feel guilty sometimes though. I promised to love and honor this man till death do us part, and I ran out on him. Literally. I told him one night and left that same night, without regard to his feelings. I didn't give him the chance to talk to me about it. I was too afraid to see his pain. I was a coward. I left him in a cowardly way and for that I truly am sorry. But I did it the best way I knew how. I was not happy, and I didn't even know that I wasn't happy until MyExGF came along and woke that part of me up. I couldn't stay. I couldn't risk the chance that he might convince me to stay. I had to run.

Now, when I lay in the arms of My Eagle, knowing that she is a woman doesn't strike me odd at all. It feels like the most natural, normal, comfortable, feeling in the world. I have never felt that in the arms of a man. My body does not respond to a man the way that it does to a woman. My heart does not respond to a man the way that it does a woman. I was born to love and be loved by women. What is so wrong with that? By God, what is so wrong with that?

I guess I'll get off the soap box now. Not really sure where that came from. I've got emotions swirling around my head right now. I need a getaway. Eagle and I are dreaming of our camping excursions and it's got the bug of travel and abandonment in my head. I want it now. I'm sick of cold. I'm sick of snow. I'm sick of getting up when it's dark. I want the sun, the warmth, the sand, the water, and the blue skies.

I guess I do have the winter blues. I never really thought that I was affected by it, but maybe I am. Oh well at least it is Friday, I'm loved, I am in love, I have a great place to live, a car, a job, and bowling tonight. All is well in my life. Enough bellyaching already!

last - next