Feeling kinda stuck again
2006-02-22, 9:03 a.m.

So I was crabby yesterday and when Eagle started whining about not having money for pot I got pissed. I said some harsh stuff and she cried and I apologized for hurting her feelings, but that I needed to say some of this as it's building. She heard me out and didn't say much, what could she say?

The closer we get to the end of the court stuff the more tense we are. I can't wait for it to be finished. She has practically retreated into herself so much that she doesn't even see the world anymore. She sits on the couch, or in the car, or wherever we are with her eyes closed, saying nothing all the time. It's hard for me to see her like that, but it's also hard for me because right now, I'm doing it alone. She's retreated and left me to care for the house, the finances (as usual), the dog, her and work. It's feeling very overwhelming lately.

Last night I took the dog for a long walk to cool my temper off, and I started to daydream. I saw a car just liked myex's parked in front of one of the condos and I had this flash in my brain. This picture of her and I living at this condo. My credit would be fine, we'd have money in the bank, and I wouldn't be dealing with Eagle's addictions. Despite the fact that I know that MyEx is a cold hearted liar, I just can't shake these feelings for her. Hell I haven't even seen her in two years, yet I'm still pining. That is just sick, sick, sick.

I think I'm going to go back to my counselor. I miss my sessions a lot. I also think I'm going to go to my doctor and ask for two things. One something that will help with appetite suppression, I've heard of something called Meridia and I'd like to find out about it. Also, I'm thinking of going on Zyban to quit smoking, plus it's an antidepressant, so that's a bonus because I think I could use a boost in that area lately.

Okay that's all there is, I know I probably sound depressed as hell, but I'm not really, I'm just tired, and feeling kind of stuck again. Plus, due to my own error completely, I once again am over drawn in my bank to the tune of $300.00! So, although I get paid on Friday, my check will be $300.00 short which sucks big damn time.

Oh well....life goes on.

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