I'm an idiot when it comes to money
2006-02-23, 9:43 a.m.

I am so upset right now. It�s my own damn fault, so I have no one but me to blame, but as of this morning my bank is now $483.00 in the hole! That�s almost $500.00! It�s almost half of my paycheck. I feel like I�m going to throw up. I am so financially stupid sometimes. It�s been my worst fault my whole life. There�s probably some cosmic lesson in there that I need to learn, but so far I just haven�t learned it....OBVIOUSLY! So now I have to go take out a payday advance loan and juggle things around so that I can pay that back next payday. Ugh! But at least I�ll get through it, I always do. But why oh why do I keep doing it?

I can�t seem to grasp the concept that I need to write things down when I spend money. I need to actually KEEP TRACK of how much is my account on a daily basis. But I don�t. It�s almost like I pull the blinders down and spend money and just hope for the best. How stupid is that? I mean come on, I�m 36 years old...when will I learn?

I�ve got to get to the bottom of my financial hangups or this is never going to stop. But how? How do you learn out to be more financially responsible? Is there a class? As long as I keep doing this, I�ll always be strapped for cash, with no savings, and I DON�T WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY ANYMORE. So it�s time to change my want into a plan and get it.

However right now, I still feel like shit. Of the $500.00 I�m in the hole, $300.00 of it is just bank fees. I called them and pleaded my case, finally after speaking with a supervisor, they would only give me one of the fees back, a measly $38.00, but I�ll take it. Anything is better than nothing. But come on, shouldn�t there be some kind of limit to the amount banks can charge you? I know I�m barking up the wrong tree here, but it just doesn�t seem fair. You bounce one thing, they charge you $38.00 for it, now something that you would have had the money for comes in and now because of the fee you�re in the hole again, and before you know it�s this huge snow ball and you�re in the middle of it. It just sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.

Okay I�m done bitching about this now. Oh, I almost forgot. I had a very very vivid dream last night. One of those that you wake up from and you�re not really sure if it was a dream for a split second. So this was the dream:

Eagle and I had broken up and she had called her ex who come and moved in with her within a week of our breakup. I was living with some friends and was under the assumption that Eagle and I were just taking a break for awhile. My stuff was all at the condo still. So I was really shocked to hear that her ex was living there. In the dream I felt kind of relieved that Eagle was not alone, but I was jealous. I remember that I didn�t cry, or breakdown at all until I was talking on the phone with Eagle and she mentioned something about her and her ex having sex the night before and I lost it. I started sobbing and telling her how much she hurt me. Then I hung up the phone and my friends were consoling me. I made a plan to get my stuff out of her place. My feelings were mixed. I was very sad, hurt, and jealous, but at the same time I felt a sense of relief that I could move on. And then I woke up unsure of where I was and if it was real, but I rolled over and realized it was a dream and I hate to admit it, but I felt a twinge of disappointment. Hmmmm.....

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