Rock Bottom
2003-02-27, 11:45 a.m.

Well I hit rock bottom last night. MyLove called me finally at 11:30 p.m. after saying at 6:00 p.m. that they were headed out for dinner and she'd call me when she got back. Well a 5 and 1/2 hour dinner surprises me. But then she takes an attitude on the phone with me. So I ask her if she is alone, she says no, the ex is right there. I ask her to go into another room, she says no. I tell her that she sounds cold and distant and she denies it, saying it's just my imagination. I ask her to tell me she loves me...she does...then says askes if I'm happy now and am I enjoying the game I'm playing with her. What the f**k???

We get of the phone and I'm a mess, sobbing so hard I'm throwing up....laying on the bathroom floor feeling the lowest I've ever felt...and for a brief moment I wonder whether life is worth all of this. And then I think "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING????" "Get off the floor, dry your tears, blow your nose, and get your act together." So I did. I hit rock bottom, so I figure there's nowhere but up to go now.

I woke up still feeling shaky, nervous, weepy, but functioning. Managed to wait out the call from MyLove, who ended up having an attitude. Said she didn't appreciate the game I played in making her say she loves me in front of the ex. I tell her, that I asked her to go into another room, and she refused. I also tell her that she always takes the calls from her ex in the other room, so I figured she'd give me the same curteousy. I said that I just needed to hear her say she loved me, and I didn't give a crap who she said it in front of or didn't say it in front of. She didn't say much. I asked if her if we're okay, she says we are. I'm sure this will pass, but I've still got to nights of hell before we can have a face to face and talk it out.

Thinking of going to the local lesbian bar this weekend. Never been to one, and never been to any bar alone. The thought is daunting. Not sure if I'll do it or not.

I'll see.

Life sucks sometimes...when can I stop letting myself get into these messed up situations? When do I grow balls enough to say "f you" when she or anybody tries to mess with me?

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