I Need A Life
2003-03-03, 10:30 a.m.

Well my week of hell has ended. I'm left feeling physically and emotionally exhuasted and drained. My suspicions that TheEXfromHEll's mother was not coming on the trip turned out to be correct. Why don't I listen to those instincts earlier? So MyLove lied to me on the count. She lied to me that the visit from the ex was just a casual visit to some of her family and friends. Turns out, it was one more attempt for her to get MyLove back. Well it almost worked this time. Because I almost gave up. Why didn't I?

I've been asking myself that over and over and over again. What is so damn special about MyLove that I'm allowing myself to be treated this way? I haven't come up with a solid answer, I don't think there is a solid answer. But basically...she knows how to love me better than anyone ever has...but sometimes it seems, she chooses not too. She can make me feel completely and totally loved, or she can make me feel like an love struck fool. And the problem is....I need to stop allowing her to "make" me feel any particular way. I need to be able to make myself feel the way I want to feel.

I'm very ashamed with the way I handled the whole visit. I should have been strong enough to say..."what will be will be" and leave it at that. But I couldn't do it. I hate that I needed her so badly to just tell me she loves me in the way she knows how....and I hate even more that she wasn't willing to do that. What does that mean?

I've decided that I am going to give this relationship one last effort. If she chooses to give it the same effort I think we will be fine. If she doesn't, we won't. I am growing enough balls to be able to say...I've had enough, when/if the time comes.

In the meantime I need to meet more people and broaden my horizons so that I have a support system to help me with whatever decision I make.

I did end up going to the bar, it was okay. I felt weird being alone. I actually introduced myself to a butch, who seemed kind of outgoing, but she turned out to just be drunk. But she let me sit at her table and that way I wasn't alone. I even got up and sang karaoke!! If only I could have just relaxed and had fun....but I couldn't stop thinking of MyLove and what she was doing at that very moment!

I'm so fucking pathetic!!!! Someone, please get me a life!

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