Feels damn good
2005-03-02, 8:44 a.m.

It's hump day. Woo Hoo, and if I'm lucky that'll hold true when I get home tonight too. Although Eagle is pretty sick with a cold/bronchitis..yuck.

Yesterday I left work two hours early to have a consultation with Eagle's gyn. It went very well. Basically over the past year Eagle, her psychiatrist, and I have managed to come up with a workable plan of meds, behavior modifications, etc that work for her three out of four weeks a month. But still one week, usually a week and a half before her period, she loses it all. Nothing works. She loses touch with reality, she wakes up crying, she feels suicidal, and we naturally though it could be hormonal. Well the doctor agreed to an extent. But what the doctor really wants her to do is be referred to U of M for some multi-discipline studies. She says that the doctors there can work together to treat each of her problems and come up with some better solutions. So that is what she's going to do, and we're both pretty excited about it. Now that Eagle is sane most of the time, she hates when she loses that uncontrollably once a month.

Her doctor was very nice, she is Eastern Indian and she has been Eagle's doc since she was 16. She talked also about meditation, yoga, hypnosis, and excersize as other alteratives to help her. Eagle respects her and I think the meeting really helped give her some hope that she could one day be "normal."

We got home and watched American Idol, then went up to bed early.

Yesterday Eagle was pissy, but that's the first time in a long time, and it did not carry over to today. Last night she told me that she listened to me when I taught her how to let things go. I remember when I first met her, one of the things I fell for in her was her openess about her life, her faults, her problems, and her willingness to keep an open mind to what I'd say to her. She told me once that she did not know how to let things go. I told her that there was no instruction book, you just do it. When a thought comes into your head that you don't want there, you make yourself think of something else, and at first it's akward, but eventually you get the hang of it and it becomes automatic. Well she said last night that it gets easier for her all the time. I am so proud of her for all that she has accomplished. I truly am.

During the year that she and I were only friends and I was busy trying to figure out my status with the ex, I would sometimes daydream as to what a realtionship with Eagle would be like. I've got to say that the way it is now, the way it has been for the past few months, minus a week here or there, it's just like I imagined it would be. Someone who challenges me mentally, someone who encourages me to show my feelings, to talk about my emotions, who actually wants to hear me talk about how I feel. Someone who does things for me because she wants to, because she gets joy out of it. Someone who respects me, looks up to me, and yet keeps me grounded. Eagle does all of these things, and more. Everyday I see us molding into something that works, and works well.

Yeah it's tough sometimes. I'm sure I'll be crabbing in here about her again, I don't doubt that. But if the other 80% of the time it's this good, this open, this connected, it's all worth it. It truly is.

This is the relationship I've always wanted. It truly is. Granted, I never expected it to be with someone who must take heavy medication to function daily; who can't support herself; and PMS from hell...but who knew? I can take the bad with the good. I actually enjoy coming home to homecooked dinners; a clean house; laundry done; trash out; and having a drink brought to me; cuddling on the couch; and just being loved like never before. It's pretty damn great. I almost feel like the "husband" in some ways, but trust me I, unlike most husbands I know, actually do chores too. But it's a great life. If she never gets any better than she is right now, I could live happily this way. Hopefully she will continue to get better and to grow and evolve. But if she didn't I could be happy the way we are right now.

So yeah I guess I'm feeling pretty happy and content right now. I think I'll enjoy it for awhile. I'm going to let go of the pesky little thoughts that try to bring me down for awhile. I'm focusing on work, on love, and on me. And it feels damn good.

last - next