Dilemma
2005-03-08, 9:19 a.m.

It is bitter, bitter, bitter, cold outside today and I do not want to be here. Even worse, I have a meeting at 10:00 in which I must put on my creativity hat and help to develop a new way for attorneys to register to be allowed to practice in our court. Luckily I had developed a plan a few months ago that never got to see the light of day because the timing was not right then. So....I don't have much to prepare for this meeting, but my brain is just not working the greatest today.

Last night I had a bit of an insight into my relationship, and I'm not sure if I am right or am I just being too sensitive or what. It's hard to say because the fact is, I've never had a relationship where anyone has given back to me as much as Eagle does. Okay this is it and please if you have a comment, be gentle.

So yesterday was a very, very busy day. I got up, took my shower, got to work and worked non-stop all day long. I was exhausted after work. But, we needed some things from the grocery store, so I went shopping after work. I then got home and Eagle carried it in and put it away. I then had to go back out to the store to get cigarettes. When I got home, I unloaded the dish washer and helped Eagle make my lunch. At this time I had not yet even sat down. Now Eagle had cooked a nice meal and had a glass of ice water for me, plus my pajamas to change into ready for me. Then we ate dinner. After dinner Eagle said she was tired and told me "not to forget to clean up the kitchen." I gave a sort of sigh and she got very defensive. She said, "geez you'd think I asked you to do so much." I said, no I'm just tired and my feet hurt, and I worked hard all day at work. She then said, "you're such a baby." I felt my anger rise and I told her to just not go there right now.

But then as I was cleaning the kitchen, I thought about my past relationships. And I wondered, am I expecting too much? I mean for the first time ever, I've got someone who cooks almost every night, makes my lunch, has my clothes ready for me to change after work, etc. Or am I just settling for this because it's "more" then I've ever gotten and I should just consider myself lucky? I don't know.

I do know that I felt like I was not appreciated for the hard work I did yesterday. I was tired, I felt that she could have cleaned the kitchen after all that I had done that day. I could have used a massage, I mentioned how much my feet hurt and she didn't say a word, yet later she asked me for a massage, which I gave her. Amd I just a sucker? Is it petty to count what she does every day versus what I do? I don't know. But it left me feeling under appreciated and I don't like feeling that way.

But how do I complain about what she doesn't do for me, when she does so much more than anyone ever has? Do I just want too much? Who the hell knows. All I do know is that I'd have given anything for a foot massage yesterday....but I didn't ask for it, for fear she'd say no. Rejection bites.

So that was my dilemma. Am I just a big baby? Does being the only one working full time justify getting away with doing less at home occasionally?

Wouldn't it be nice if the world worked the way I want it to? Certainly. Guess I'll just keep dreaming about that and cleaning the kitchen in the meantime, even when I'm dead tired.

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