Dry Docked
2005-03-28, 8:45 a.m.

Okay so this is what's going on....and it's personal and it's hard to handle, but what is my journal for? To sort shit out and give me therapy. Please, if you feel the need to share an opionion be tactful and gentle. Thank you.

So....Saturday we geared up for this great lovefest. We lit candles, we laid down blankets on the floor, we got the box of toys out, got naked and then it all went to hell. First Eagle twisted her ankle walking across the floor to where I was; then something else trivial happened and soon she had lost the mood and I was left naked and feeling rather rejected.

I couldn't help it, I started to cry. She felt bad and tried to reassure me that it wasn't me, it was her. Well that's fine and all but I told her a year ago wild horses wouldn't have kept her from making love to me, now a couple little mishaps and she's ready to pack it all up and forget it? That's really hard not to take personally.

Now rationally I know it's HER. But emotionally? I feel like a big, fat, unattractive blob that has no sexual appeal. I want to make love again. I want that connection, but she can't seem to let herself relax and just go with it. It just sucks truly truly sucks.

So Saturday night we went to bed, got up on Sunday went to the family's for Easter, came home and spent a very quiet and reserved day. The plan was that we were SUPPOSED to try again, but neither of us mentioned it, so it didn't happen. It left me cranky, and she was already cranky, so two cranky ones aren't likely to get busy.

I truly hope that she can get past this little quirk of hers soon. Don't get me wrong, my love is not based on sex, but dammit I'm in my prime and I want more. Period. Is that wrong? Plus it's healthy for a couple to have an active sex life, it brings people closer, strengths the bond, etc. Besides, we used to have a great sex life....what happened???

Now I'm left feeling very very gun shy about approaching the subject. I'm wary of rejection, I mean a person can only be rejected so many times before they stop trying, right? I feel like it should be up to her to come to me when she's ready, but if I leave it up to her, I may be sorely disappointed....ugh.

I finally find my true sexuality, I finally learn to enjoy sex on more than a physical plane and now I'm dry docked. Let me say once again, THIS SUCKS.

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