wish I had a crystal ball
2004-04-08, 12:26 p.m.

I took the day off today. Originally it was so I could spend the day with Mylove. However, that's not possible. She has to go pick up TheExFromHell from the hospital today.

Yeah, that's right. What do I do? Say, "no, you can't pick her up, you have to stay with me all day!" Of course I can't say that. The woman has no one else to help her. Which fucking sucks big ass!

I'm too fucking nice, and I know it. But I guess I'd rather be this way than a cold hearted person. And, I suppose I'd rather know that MyLove is the type of person who will help someone out when they have no one else. Yeah, I know it sounds like a bunch of excuses. But it's the way it is.

Last night we talked, we laughed, we made love. I'm still not sure we'll make it through this okay. I'm still not sure I want to make it through it. But there's SOMETHING preventing me from breaking it off, and I don't know what that is.

I do know for sure that the way I feel right now tells me that I will not take any more shit from her. Period. She's already witnessed it. I have absolutely no fear of losing her anymore. Not to say that she'd never break up with me, but that if she did, that would be okay.

Maybe the intense feelings of love and fear I had for her were not healthy. Maybe this is just us transitioning into a healthier relationship. One where we can say anything to each other. Maybe. Only time will tell I suppose.

I still feel something strange within me, and I don't know what it is. I know that I love her, but I know that love is stretched as thin as it can get. Not much will break it. And so far, she hasn't tried to stretch it any further. Again, she hasn't gotten angry, defensive, any of her old responses. She's been loving, understanding, compassionate, fearful, and apologetic. How can I turn away from that?

Oh I so wish I had a crystal ball to tell me how this will all turn out!

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