A power greater than myself
2004-04-08, 10:22 p.m.

Okay, I'm freaking out a little.

Mylove and I found a house we want to put an offer on tonight. The offer goes in tomorrow. If they accept, we could be in it by next month.

I'm scared shitless. But I'm not sure exactly why. I've narrowed it down to do basic thoughts.

1. I'm scared because in the past, every time we've made plans, or finally TheExFromHell is no longer (supposedly) in the picture, or we've gotten to a really great point and things look wonderful.....several days later the bottow falls out.

or

2. I'm scared that this is the wrong decsion and I'm going to end up unhappy for whatever reason.

I'm leaning to number one actually. I think based on past events, I'm scared history will repeat itself. However, MyLove is soooo different now than she was back then. I really think that she's ready for this. But my fears are what is getting in the way now. And I realize it's only natural to be afraid at this point. I've had a lot of bad experiences in this relationship.

There is one thing that I KNOW without a doubt. If this does not happen. If she bails on me at the last minute this time....I'm GONE. There will be no ifs ands or buts about it. And if I don't do it. I'd expect every person who says they are my friend to kick my ass into next week!

I mean it this time. I have no patience left. No compassion for this woman that MyLove has found so hard to let go of. I realize lt's not completely her fault....but still...I have no more left to give.

Right now, I'd like to be able to say that I'm 100 percent sure that this will work out the way I THINK it will, but I can't. But what I do know is....it'll work out the way it is supposed to.

Just gotta keep trusting that. Trusting the universe, God, whatever you wanna call it, but it's that power source that is greater than me.

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