hormones, humps, and sex
2003-04-09, 8:42 a.m.

I'm not really sure how I'm feeling right now. I know frustration is there, sadness, happiness, and exhuastion. Last night MyLove had a meltdown. She said she wasn't happy and she wanted to move out and to end our relationship. Yeah it sucked the life right out of me. It was so unexpected, I really didn't know what to say or how to react. So, I did what I usually do, I said "fine", and I went into another room and cried.

She came into the room a few minutes later, acting as if she was now happy that this decision was made, but I wouldn't engage with her. I actually was thinking that I hope it is over, cause then I can just move on. I can stop getting my heart trampled on. But I could tell when she said, "thanks for talking to me about it" and slammed the door that she wanted to talk, and this was her way of letting me know.

So, I dried my tears, steeled myself, and went out to talk to her. It didn't take too much prodding. Basically though she said she was pissed at me, but had no idea why. We talked a bit and what I think it comes down to is three things. The first thing is her comfort level living with someone again, she's not used to it, and it takes time. Second, she started her period that day and her hormones were probably outta whack. Lastly, she needs me to be more agressive sexually. She is tired of taking the lead. So, needless to say, she did not really want to break up, or move out.

We talked more, and I told her that I am who I am, and she needs to live with it or not. If she loves me, she will. She said she does love me, and wants to live with me. I said that I've been more sexually agressive with her than I have been with anyone ever. It is not my nature to be more agressive. But I also said I'd try. What more can I do? It's not that I don't want sex, cause I do, I really do. And I tell her I want it all the time, but she wants me to jump her bones rather than just ask for sex. We'll see.

It occurred to me this morning that sex is a big thing in our relationship. We have awesome sex when we are both not tired and we have the time. But I think that the fact that we do have such awesome sex when the factors are all right, that when the factors aren't there, we forget how to just have a quickie that doesn't have to be emotionally intense, or overly passionate, but just plain old, orgasm inducing sex. So last night, being that she was on her period, and I'm not. We went to bed and we kissed and she slid her hand between my legs and played until I came, and it was nice....really nice. There was no sweat, or intenseness, or anything much more than that woman I love, bringing me to a quick and very nice orgasm.

Today I feel better, I'm scared though. I'm scared to get comfortable again and then out of nowhere here, "I'm not happy." But I guess I just have to go with the flow. I think I've got myself protected enough that I can deal with a break up if it comes to that. But I really don't think it will. I think she is scared, and this is her way of telling me that. She asked me for help in getting her over the "hump" of living with someone. A hump she's never gotten over before. I said I'd help her anyway I can, but she has to realize that the more she pushes me away, the further I get....I just hope she doesn't push me over the edge.

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