once again...good and bad
2005-04-11, 8:47 a.m.

The weekend was half good and half bad. I'll explain more, but as of this writing, Eagle and I are not speaking to each other.

For the first time in a very long time I thought about leaving yesterday. Basically it comes down to sex, and I hate to say it that way, but it does.

I want it, she doesn't. I'm not sure I can stay in a sexless relationship. Is that shallow of me? I don't know. But what I DO know is that if Eagle's trying to get me to work this out with her, saying "well if you'd exercise more, I might be more receptive to sex" is not the way to do it.

Yes I have gained SOME weight. Probably 15 pounds over the last year. It's not like it's this huge difference. Her saying that was a way to get it off of her and on to me, and that's unacceptable to me, and I told her so, and then I stopped speaking to her pretty much.

I was angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, you name it. And I still am. It kills me that I accepted her from day one faults and all...and now she's deeming that I must conform to some exercise regimen? It's a cop out to me. But regardless of what it is, I lived in a sexless relationship with my exhusband for way too long, I'm not going to repeat that.

So...I'm here, but I've reopened that escape pod in my mind. I'm willing to see this through, talk it out, whatever it takes, but I'm not willing to be insulted and ignored.

In the good news of it. I won the over average pot at bowling! I was 49 pins over my average. Saturday we had my Aunt over for the first time. She and my mom were actually sisters-in-law, as Aunt was married to mom's brother, but then they got divorced. My mom and aunt stayed in touch and were very close friends. So now, me and my aunt keep in touch and are trying to build a closer relationship. She came over and had dinner and met Eagle for the first time. The three of us chatted easily and it was a nice time.

Sunday Eagle's parents invited us over for beef filet's bbq'd on the grill, and to celebrate Eagle's upcoming birthday. It was a good time, but Eagle and I were fighting at that point and we had to be civil to each other there.

So here it is now, Monday morning. I've got to train someone at 10:00 a.m. so I'd better get my materials ready to go.

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