I feel free
2004-04-12, 9:00 a.m.

Oh where or where do I begin? This Easter weekend proved to be the epitome of death and ressurection in my life.

After dealing with MyLove having four days in a row off and only getting to see her for one evening. Then Friday night, we had a long long talk in which she pointed out the things that bother her about me. She also laid down the "ground rules" for the house. And somewhere in the midst of it all I realized. I don't want this anymore. I deserve more, I've been TELLING myself this for a long long time. Now it's time to act on it.

So Saturday night I told her. I told her I want to let it go. It was hard to say the words, but I they've been just under the surface for awhile.

I don't know when it happened exactly, but somewhere a long the line I lost the love. Not to say that I don't love her anymore. I do. I'll always love her. But I lost that "in love" feeling. I got tired of make excuses for her and for why she didn't want to show me the love she kept telling me she had for me. The reasons don't matter anymore....what matters is that I did not FEEL loved. Not the way I want. Not the way I deserve.

Now, I'm left feeling sad and guilty. I feel like I let her down. I feel like I gave up on her. But I feel good about my decision. I'm hurting, because I know she's hurting. But beyond that. I'm doing okay. I'm happy with this decision.

I feel free.

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