mad, sad, and blah
2005-04-20, 8:56 a.m.

So last night, I was mad, and just as I started to get unmad, Eagle calls me on my cell and asks me to bring her some salt bagles from Tim Hortons. Now I realize this is not much to ask, but when we only have $20.00 to buy gas, cigs, and anything else we need till Friday, plus I just spent $20.00 buying cereal, milk, sugar, and pop the day before for her, it becomes a HUGE thing to ask. So I snapped at her.

When I got home she was laying on the couch with her back facing me. She mumbled hi, I said hi, then I changed, got my headphones and went for my nightly walk.

I get back from my walk and head upstairs to put the laundry away. She calls up in a few minutes to ask what I'm doing, I tell her. Then she says she doesn't feel good and am I planning to make dinner. I said I can, but I hadn't thought about it. What does she want? She won't answer me. Three times I ask, well....in my current mood this was NOT what she should have done. I told her fine then, be an ass, and Ifinished putting the laundry away.

When I cam downstairs she was crying and that pissed me off even more. She asked what I thought about the furniture rearranging and I said that I liked it, except for the loveseat. That did NOT go over well. I said excuse me for voicing an opinion that YOU asked for. She started whining about how hard she worked all day and I come in and tell her that I don't like it. I reiterated what I REALLY said and told her if she keeps it up I won't be speaking to her for the rest of the night.

Well she started bawling and acting like I was just mistreating her to no end. At that point I figured, okay I'll tell her I'm sorry and we'll move on, but she shook me off and rejected my apology so at that point I really flipped and told her EXACTLY what I was thinking. I told her I was sick to death of being broke because of her pot habit, that she bugs me to exercise more and I do, but yet she STILL goes through an ounce a week, and just cause I was really pissed I added on that she couldn't possibly have worked ALL DAY on the house because she didn't even get up till noon and the place was still trashed! Yeah, I kind of blew my lid.

She sobbed for awhile, I ignored her, and then she went up to bed. I stayed downstairs and cooled off. I watched some t.v., then headed up. When I got there, she was throwing up again, and shivering under two big quilts, but the fight was gone out of her and I felt bad for what I'd said. It is obvious that going one day without pot throws her entire system into upheaval. I don't have that empathy because I don't have that problem. But she does, and I do love her and I felt bad that she was going through these withdrawal symptoms. Even though there's a huge part of me that thinks she's being a big baby, but that kind of thinking doesn't really help.

So I brought her some ice, and another blanket, and I rubbed her head and neck, then I asked her if she wanted some soup. I even got back out of bed and went downstairs and made her some soup and a sandwich. We talked calmly and we both apologized. I told her that I find it difficult to be sympathetic with her when she gets like that. I feel like she goes one day without pot and the world has to revolve around her. I said it feels like she makes it worse that it really is. She told me she's afraid I'm starting to resent her. I told her that what I'm feeling is not resentment. It's just inablity to be sympathetic to her because I can't identify with it. At all.

This happens to me everytime she goes through withdrawals like that. I just get so irritated. It's like she should be able to be like me and everyone I know. No pot, well it's a bummer, but it's not going to throw me into a tail spin. I still have to get up and go to work, and come home and exercise, and do the chores that I do, and life moves on. But not for her. For her it's this huge production and it just pisses me off.

I'm not even sure this is making sense, I've gone over it in my head a million times. Everytime this happens I get mad, it's like I lose the ability to be comforting to her. Why is that? Is it just me? Or do others feel the same way. Is that why many drug counselors are reformed addicts themselves, because only an addict can truly understand and therefore comfort in the way that is needed? Maybe.

Today I feel better, that anger is gone. She made it through the day and night without pot, she'll have to go another two days without it too, unless she finds a way to get money and I truly hope that she doesn't. I'd like her to quit all together because cutting down is just not working. When she has it, she obsesses about it until it's gone. That is just how she operates.

I feel guilty in some ways, because when all is well with us. She has plenty of pot, our bills are paid, we're both happy happy, I feel great. But when suddenly she's puking and shaking because of withdrawals, all of a sudden I'm queen bitch, am I really that wishy washy?

I think that part of what upsets me the most is that I can't control my feelings sometimes. Usually I am the master at controlling my feelings, but not in situations like that. I can feel my blood pressure rise, my hands shake, and I feel like I want to just hit something or break something and that is just so not me. I hate that it comes over me and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, but let it happen, and then let it go. I guess it is a good thing that I can eventually let it go.

So all is well today so far. I'm pretty sure she'll sleep in late today, and it's raining and thundering so it's just one of those blah kinds of days.

In other depressing news, my grandfather is in the hospital for a broken leg, and I fear that this will probably be the beginning of his end. He was already going downhill pretty fast. We're going to the hospital tonight to visit him, and I'm not sure how it makes me feel except that I'm tearing up writing this, so there's something there to look at. I guess it just means that here is just one more person who will be gone from my life. One more person closer to being completely without family. That sucks. But what can you do?

Okay I'd better end this novel and get to work.

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