long and rambling
2005-04-21, 9:16 a.m.

Well my grandpa made it through surgery, but I don't know how he is doing mentally. I tried to get grandma to go see him last night but she couldn't bring herself to go. Instead we called grandpa's sister in Virigina and broke the news to her. I'll be taking grandma to the hospital this weekend sometime.

Last night Eagle and I had a really good talk. She didn't want to hear it, but she listened...finally to what I had to say. And then she handed me the pot and told me to lock it up. Which I did. We agreed that she will get no more than two joints per day and she needs to stretch an ounce to two weeks at least. Eventually I told her that I'd like her to not smoke at all. We've talked about having kids someday and I won't do that until she has her addictions under control and that probably means no using at all.

So we talked and she cried and she tried to make it seem like I was being mean, but I was having NONE of it. Then she started saying that she couldn't go to my grandma's with me (we were on the way) and I told her she needs to act like a grown up and get her shit together. EVERYONE has to put on a smiling face and go about their business even when they're hurting inside and the sooner she learns that the better. So by the time we got to grandma's she had her shit together and I was proud of her.

Later in the evening she started to slide back into the depressed mode and tried to say that I've been distant and unaffectionate since MyexGF called, but that is not true at all and I was able to point out specific things to prove that. I told her that SHE'S distanced herself since that point, probably out of fear that I'll change my mind and go back to the ex. But I told her she can't live like that. We won't work like that.

By the time we went to bed things were good. I think the most important thing is that she finally GETS that I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I want us to have things and do things that we can't do if she's spending all the money on pot. Hopefully it'll sink in and stay.

As far as me goes, I'm doing good. My depression over the past few days seems to have lifted and I'm feeling good. Everyday I realize that I should never have to compromise myself and my wants, needs, and desires just to keep peace. That's an important lesson that I wished I'd learned a long time ago.

Fact is, if you can't speak your mind in the relationship you're in, then you shouldn't be in it. So I'm going to keep on speaking my mind and hope for the best. So far Eagle's been reluctantly receptive. It sometimes takes a few times, and takes some grief, but eventually it sinks in and she hears me and she respects my opinions.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again, as long as I see effort on her part, I'm in it for the long haul. Sometimes I have to remind her of that. Sometimes I have to give her a kick in the butt to keep on moving. But thankfully she seems willing to keep putting in the effort. I don't want perfection, not even close, I just want to know that the person I'm with loves and respects me enough to give back to me the same that I try to give to them everyday.....love, honesty, respect, kindness, generosity, affection, laughs, kisses, smiles, and all that good stuff.

The only thing really weighing on my mind at the moment is my dad. I've mentioned him in here many times before, always about the same thing. His lack of effort to stay a part of my life. I mentioned that before Christmas I tried to make plans with him for the holidays, and he was busy. Said he'd call after the holidays, he didn't. I called him and told him his present was still waiting for him, his excuse for not accepting my dinner invitation was that he couldn't be in a home where people smoked (even if we smoke outside while he's there). I haven't talked to him since, he hasn't called, and I refuse to call again. So, his Christmas present (a framed picture of me that he requested) is now sitting on top of our t.v. If he wants it then he'll just have to call and set it up. But, once again, I'm done. I can't take the rejection anymore. I'd rather not have a father in my life then continually be rejected by him. And come next holiday season, I'm not calling him, he can call me and I'll be willing to make plans with him, but it's his move. I can't do it anymore.

That leads me to the inevitable question of....who do I have left? Grandma and grandpa, my uncle, my aunt, and my half-sister....that's it. That's the family I have left. It's a scary thought. But despite that....I cannot, and will not, sacrifice myself for my relationship with Eagle. THis is going to work if and only if she is willing to keep giving of herself and trying every single day.

If I wake up one day and I'm alone, with no family, I'll have friends. OR I'll join a commune, but I'd rather be alone and happy then a part of a relationship and unhappy and not speaking my mind and not standing up for myself.

But for now, I'm not alone, and I'm in a relationship, and for the most part it's a good one. Eagle's trying, I'm not backsliding, and life moves on.

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