realty bites
2004-04-22, 9:02 a.m.

I'd say I got a dose of reality last night. Since breaking up with MyExLove, Eagle has been there for me when I get down, when I need to cry, when I need a hug, and more. But yesterday she had a bad day. It was the first time I'd seen her like that.

One of the reasons that it took me nine months to admit that I loved Eagle was because of some of her issues. One of these issues is her personality disorders. She has Borderline Personality Disorder, ADD, and other issues.

However, through the year or so I've known her, she has been able to contain most of her problems so that I did not see them.

I got my first taste of it yesterday. Now first let me say, she did not say or do anything mean to me. Even in the midst of her crying bouts, and aggrevated states she was apologizing. Telling me that its not me. And I didn't feel like it was me. But it upset me to see her so distraught and not be able to help her.

I tried to get her to talk it out, but she was having none of that. She said she wanted to just not talk and play trivial pursuit. I said sure. But then she "seemed" to want to argue. Finally I told her that it was her choice. We can have an argument right now, or we can play trival pursuit and let things chill.

We ended up playing the game and a little while into it, she started to talk. She started telling me how she feels when emotions just overwhelm her. She again reassured me that I'd done nothing wrong and that sometimes she just needs to not think, just try and shut off her brain because it has so many things going through it at once that it overwhelms her and makes even the smallest thing become huge.

I told her that it was okay. That she'd been strong for me for the past few weeks and now I would be strong for her. I massaged her legs and she seemed to visibly relax.

This morning when I woke up she was back to her normal smiling self. She had gotten up in the night and packed my lunch, written yet another apology on the note board in the kitchen.

Throughout the evening I found myself starting to get tense. Starting to walk on eggshells, but I forced myself not to. With Eagle its always been easy for me to speak my mind and not worry about it. Last night was the first time that I felt afraid to say what I was thinking. Even though it was not her making me feel afraid. It was my old programming, from being with verbally abusive partners in the past.

But I'm proud of myself. I did not succumb to those old fears. I did speak my mind, and at one point I just picked up a book and read. I was able to let her have her emotions and not dwell on it and make it my fault.

Granted today I feel a bit scared. Part of me is saying I need more time before I get into this relationship. But the reality of it is, I'm already in this relationship, I don't feel like I can go back now. And, honestly, I don't want to. I love her very much. I want to be able to be there for her when she needs me, just like she's been there for me.

She has some emotional problems, but I see her getting stronger all the time. Hell this is the first time I've seen her that way in the nine months I've known her. I'm not going to run away now, even though it is one of my instincts at this point.

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