Ugh
2004-04-23, 10:58 a.m.

I don't know if I can handle this relationship. Eagle is already freaking me out. In her defense, she is not being mean to me at all. But she spent two days completely down and anxious. Then she took FOUR Xanax and now she's high as a kite and acting like a goofball. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it's such a contrast from the way she was the past two days. And to top it all of she has now started to call MyExLove on the phone even though I've asked her not to.

I spoke with MyExLove about the situation and she was surprisingly very compassionate. She said she's not upset by the calls, but asked that if she wants to call that she call when she's not at work. She offered to talk to her. Then MyExLove told me that if I love Eagle I should try and be there for her for awhile. Not to run away. But that if I ever need her or a place to go, she'd always be there for me. HUH? I'm sure that in some ways she's sitting there grinning to herself just waiting for me to fall apart so she can pick up my pieces. Can you tell I do not trust her at all?

Now Eagle is out driving around somewhere lost between my house and her mother's house and I'm worried.

What have I gotten myself into? I swear I'm a glutten for punishment. See this is the reason I fought falling in love with her for so long. Maybe I should get off this roller coaster right now while I can. If I do that, what kind of person am I? I let her take care of me and enjoy the loving she gives me, but then when she needs me, I bolt? Ugh.

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