I'm tired
2003-04-24, 8:30 a.m.

I'm exhausted. What a fucked up night I had. Damn this shit is getting really really old. I guess it's my fault for expecting anything different, just because I told her what was bothering me....dummy me!

Last week we had several arguments all pretty much centering around her distance, her lack of affection, warmth, romance, and positive attention to me. She said she'd try.

Last night was our first night together since she said she'd try. We didn't argue...not really...but where did she sleep? In the other bedroom.

I walk in the door and, no hug, no kiss....we have dinner, still no hug, no kiss, so I give in and kiss her. Then she says she's tired and gives me a peck and goes to bed at like 6:30. So I stay up and watch t.v. Around 9:30 she gets up. Still no hug, no kiss, instead I get..."get out of my seat." So I move over. I try several times to start a conversation...no go.

Then it's 11:00 and time for me to go to bed, so I give her a kiss goodnight and go to bed. Around 12:00 she comes in with the dog. They proceed to play on the bed, waking me...okay no biggie, then she lays down and she scoots really close to me, and I figure, "yes she's finally going to cuddle with me." Nope....she's just making room for the dog, and wants me to move over. Whatever. Then she steals the covers from me, so I steal them back. So now she gets up and says she's going to sleep in the other room. Whatever.

I doze back off, and wake up to her standing in the doorway saying, "you washed my shirt and shorts? I told you not to wash any of my clothes." So I said, "fuck you". She said, "what?" I said "fuck you". She said, "you don't know how." Then she went to sleep in the other room.

I tossed and turned all night, dreamt that she came to bed to hold me, woke up and cried when it wasn't true. The alarm went off this morning and I got up. She then got up and went back to sleep in our bed. I got ready for work, in between crying spells, and then went in to kiss her goodbye as I always do. She turned away and said, "no." So I left. I sat in the car for a few minutes crying, then went back in the house to get some tissues. When I went back in she said, she didn't want me to think that she didn't kiss me because she was mad at me. I said, then why didn't she? She said, morning breath. I said whatever. Then I went to work.

So all the way in to work I thought about last night. First off, I did nothing wrong. Second, I feel like she was playing some sick game with me last night. Third, I'm tired of her sick games.

I was so happy yesterday because I thought I'd finally figured things out. Then I get home to a woman who says she loves me, but can't hardly stand to be near me....I don't get it.

I'm sad. I'm hurt. The worst part is, she'll probably say, she didn't mean anything by it last night, that she was just tired. Whatever....I'm tired too.

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