Talking for once
2003-04-25, 8:51 a.m.

What a difference a day makes. We talked last night. Instead of yelling, instead of insulting, instead of pouting, we just talked like two rational normal people. And what is more important is, we understood each other too.

MyLove said she feels that because I keep telling her all the things that I need that she is not giving me, that she is not the right person for me. So, that is why she has backed off. But in addition to that, she is also reeling from the total and complete change in lifestyle for her. She has NEVER been in this type of a relationship before and it is a huge shock to her system. So some of her distance has been just her trying to steady herself and get comfortable in this new environment.I said that I can understand that.

I proposed to her that we set a date for six months in the future, and during the time from now until then, neither of us can break up with the other one. If we have a problem we'll talk or fight it out, but for six months we'll just take the whole breaking up idea out of the equation. I reasoned that this would take some pressure off of us and let us just be for awhile. She wasn't really happy with that idea and I think it is because threatening to break up with me is one of her most powerful weapons and she knows it. But she said she'd consider the idea.

After she told me that she felt that maybe she isn't the right person for me, I didn't tell her she was wrong. I thought for a long time before I spoke. I tried to come up with a positive way to say what I wanted to say to her. Finally I said,

"The person that is right for me...will make me laugh, will like to spend time with me, will try to take an interest in things that I enjoy, will tell me what they enjoy and help me to learn to enjoy that too, will take me in her arms and hold me and kiss me just because they want to, will have fun with me, will just love me without having to think about it. You have done all of these things at one time or another."

She then responded that she is afraid if she doesn't continue to give me those things that I'll fall out of love wither. I told her that I couldn't fall out of love with her, because I'd always love her. But I told her I'm scared that I will lose myself again. I will just give up the needs that I have and settle for what she is willing to give. I told her that I lived that way with my ex-husband and I don't want to do it again. She seemed to understand what I was saying.

We then laughed a bit, and went to bed and cuddled a bit, and then I fell into a really great sleep for the first time in a long time.

Most importantly we both agreed that if we don't work out, it just means that we weren't meant to be. And that would be sad, but not impossible.

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