Tired as usual, but not down.
2005-04-26, 8:40 a.m.

I had to start getting up earlier to get the early bus to make sure I'm here on time. Today was the first day, and it pretty much sucks.

Eagle was pretty calm yesterday, she's doing pretty well on the two joints a day rule, so that's good. She's also starting to look at the money that goes into her habit and wants to apply it to other more productive things. That's a good sign too. We've been doing some dreaming about what kind of a house and where we'd like to move to. Her aunt and uncle live not far out of Ft. Wayne Indiana, and there's an agency there that I could transfer to. The cost of housing down there is remarkable. We could get a beautiful home with all the amenities for less than her condo would sell for.

Eagle's cousin is going to help us with some mortgage options. Her cousin is one of those fast talking, salesmen types and he called me at work yesterday. He wants Eagle and I to get into renting out real estate. Now I'm certainly not against the idea, but it'm skeptically cautious. We're supposed to get together with him and his wife next week. Eagle and he grew up playing together but haven't really been in touch as adults, so this should be an interesting event.

I guess I don't really have much going on in my brain today. Been thinking about MyexGF a bit lately. I suppose that's natural given the conversation we had last week. In some ways I can't believe I walked away from her at all, and then to turn down the opportunity to be with here again, it just kind of freaks me out.

I was reminded of our situation when I was watching Gone With The Wind. Scarlett was so in love with Ashley, and Ashley was very in love with Scarlett too, but he knew that they could never be happy together. He ended up falling in love with another woman and although he admitted to Scarlett that he loves her, he also loved and cherished his wife. In some ways that is how I feel. I know that I'll always love MyexGF, but we would never make it together. Even if I truly believed she wanted to settle down with me and only me. We are different people with different wants, needs, and desires. Love doesn't always pick the person best for you.

Given all that, it doesn't take away from the love I feel for Eagle. It's a different type of love, definitely. It's a love that grew steadily and surely. It's one that I feel will be there solidly forever as well, it's just not that sparkling, exhilerating, heart pounding kind that I experienced with MyExLove. But that's okay. It's love and it's warm, and it's sure. That is all that matters in the long run.

I guess that's about all. I'm really not as down as this entry probably sounds. I'm tired, but I'm not depressed. I'm secretly hoping that maybe Eagle's cousin will come through and get us into some income producing housing. That would be nice. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

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