I will not settle
2004-04-27, 10:22 a.m.

I'm feeling much better today. I realized that I can pull myself out of the chaos any time I want. And I did. I went home and spent the evening on my couch, in my house, watching my t.v. It was very relaxing.

Eagle was still very depressed and wanting to talk about "us" and me moving in with her, but I told her no. I did not want to discuss it anymore for now.

She feels like I do not love her unconditionally if I put all these "conditions" on her for me to be with her. But that's not it. I do love HER unconditionally, but I have the right to choose whether to live with someone, or even been in a relationship with someone regardless.

She still has some maturing to do. She needs to continue the path she has started. I think the combination of her period which always hits her hard, the xanax that she overtook, and the strides she's taken over the past few weeks overwhelmed her. I can understand that. I won't hold it against her. But in the same vein, I can't look completely past it either.

Yes, I've wanted someone to love me the way she does. Yes, I knew going into this she has some issues. But yes, I have the CHOICE to decide whether I want to accept some of her issues or reject some of them. All the while still loving her. But she doesn't get that. At least not right now.

But it's okay. I took myself out of the madness and took some time to breath. And I feel much better.

I'm not giving up on her yet. I do love her and I know that we could have a really great life together. But she does have some things to work on before that can happen, and I won't apologize for that.

She will either have to accept that or not. Because I will not settle.

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