The story of the ex.
2003-05-01, 8:42 a.m.

My ex-husband called yesterday. Now, I haven't talked too much about him in this journal, so here's a brief recap.

I met him on a blind date that my mother and his mother set up. We became friends quickly, enjoying spending time together, but there were never any major sexual sparks. But we had a good friendship and we decided to take it to the next level. We got married a little over a year after we met. Things were tough...he was verbally abusive, but for some reason I stuck it out. He was then diagnosed as manic depressive and a sexual addict. As it turns out he was having sex with many women, including my best friend and my cousin. He confessed all his sins to me and I forgave him.

He went to therapy, he got medicated, and we struggled, but finally about a year after that we were back on track. Then he started talking about the swinging lifestyle and feeding my attraction to women. Eventually I agreed to try a threesome, it wasn't great, but I was intrigued so we tried again and then I was hooked. I realized that I really enjoyed being with women and we dove into the lifestyle full tilt.

Over the next years we had a good time, we really did, but we stopped having sex with each other. I think we both realized that we were never the other's "ideal" sex partner. We were great friends, but lacked that "spark." I think we both figured it would be okay....that we could just live like this indefinitely, each getting our needs met by people in the lifestyle.

And then one day....I realized that I missed the love. MyLove came back into my life and it was as if my heart was jump started. I realized I had to end my marriage. I belived that my husband was not really attracted to me anymore either and that though it would hurt for awhile, he'd eventually see that me leaving would be the best for both of us.

I was wrong. He didn't feel that way. He has since admitted that he was hurt badly, that he loved me a great deal, and is very sorry that he never showed me just how much. He went through a period where he was angry with me, then sad, and now it seems he has reached the acceptance stage. So he called me the other day and said, "I love you, and I want you to know that if it doesn't work out with her, then I want another chance to show you how much you mean to me." I was touched, but I feel bad. I told him that he should not wait for that to happen, that he needs to move on, and when he finds that special woman to go for it. He said he would do that, but that he doesn't anticipate finding her. He went on to say that he's proud of me. That I finally just did it, did what made me happy and he is glad that I did that. So now I feel kind of peaceful about it. I am still feeling guilty that I hurt him much more than I thought I would. But there is not much I can do now.

I haven't told MyLove about this conversation and basically I haven't because I know how it feels to know that the person you love and are in a relationship with has someone "waiting for it to fail." She has told me that her ex is waiting for her and I to fail and it's a lot of pressure on me. So I've decided not to put that pressure on her. But I feel guilty keeping it from her. Maybe I'll change my mind about it. It's hard to know what the right thing to do is.

At this point, I truly don't see a time that I would go back to my ex-husband. The fact is that I still don't think I'd be sexually attracted to him. I enjoy being in love with and making love to women...more than I ever enjoyed men. But I do miss him and the friendship I had with him. I guess only time will tell what will happen. At this point I'm feeling confident that MyLove and I will live happily ever after, but if that changes, I guess it's kind of nice to know that I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be alone. But would I really go back to him just so I wouldn't be alone? I would hope not. I hope that I'm stronger than that. Besides that, he did many things in our marriage that were not cool. Things that I don't know if I could ever forgive completely.

Over all, I feel pretty peaceful right now...and for that I am thankful.

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