The name game
2007-05-07, 9:41 a.m.

So I haven't been writing much of my innermost thoughts here and I think it's because Eagle knows where this site is, and I know that she reads it and sometimes I don't want to share what I'm thinking about with her. Is that so wrong? I mean I share 99.9% of what happens in my brain with her, but this blog was supposed to be for that .1% that I don't tell people I know in real life.

So what am I saying? Well this weekend, Eagle and I finally talked about some stuff I'd been thinking about. It's nothing drastic or anything. But I told her that I feel like she is skating on a thin line in her recovery and doing just enough to stay sober and I'm worried that another relapse is around the corner. On top of that, I told her that I'm not sure I want to change my last name to hers when I get divorced as we had originally planned.

Here's the deal on that. It's really nothing at all to do with her or our relationship. I just don't want to change my identity. I've been this person for 16 years now and I like my name and I do not want to switch. I don't think I would switch even if I was marrying a man at this point. I just want to stay who I am. Of course Eagle sees this as a betrayal to her, that I don't want to take her last name, etc. It's really a problem, that I don't know how to solve. There is no compromise, I mean even if I hyphenate my name it's still changing my identity, so I may as well just go all the way. It comes down to this: Do I go against my own feelings of not wanting to do this for her comfort? She's never going to accept the reason that I don't want to change my name, that's a given. Don't get me wrong, I like her last name too, and it sounds good with my last name, but I don't want to change dammit. I just don't and she doesn't get it and I know that I'm going to have to be the one that gives in and just does it even though I really don't want to. And that sucks.

So we didn't really argue, but she got sad and cried and I felt bad and then we talked and she agreed that she'll be better with her sobriety and keep a better hold on it, maybe even go to some meetings. And I reluctantly agreed that if she could keep that up, I would change my name. But I still don't want to and I'm afraid that eventually it's going to make me resentful. But what can I do? I don't feel like I have a choice if I want to keep the person I love from hurting.

If I think about all that she has done and changed about herself over the past three years, it makes me seem selfish that I won't change this one thing. And it's not like it's going to kill me. It's just going to be a pain in the ass. Also, we're not having any kind of ceremony or anything...it's just like I'll show up at work one day and announce my new name and look like I'm a total flake! It means that I have to change all my ID's, and credit cards, and social security cards, and what a pain in the ass. I just don't want to do it. And lastly, I really do like my name. It's been who I am for 16 years now and I'm fond of it. Oh what to do....

last - next