On the road to self-discovery
2003-05-08, 9:28 a.m.

I'm here at work, but still in pain. Just not quite as bad. I left Tuesday at 10:00 a.m. and went to the doc. He gave me prescpritions for anti-inflamatories and muscle relaxers. They're helping, but not a quick enough. I had yesterday off, and I could have taken today off too, but I decided to be a dedicated employee and come to work....what a fool I am.

Yesterday was nice though. MyLove was off work and we stayed at home and watched t.v., talked a lot, took a nap, played with the dog, ordered in Chinese, and had a really fun and relaxing day together. She teased me about my back going out and called me old though. But I know it was said with love.

We also talked about the baby issue. I told her when I see babies I just want one, right now. She said, then let's do it. Let's get you pregnant this summer. I told her that I need to know that she's in this for the long haul and that I'm afraid I'll be five months pregnant, we'll get into a fight and she'll leave, or even threaten to leave, and it'll tear me apart. She said she's not going anywhere. I really want to believe that.

Yesterday I talked to her a lot about some things that I've never told anyone before. Not even my ex-husband. She is a good listener, but sometimes she makes jokes to hide her uncomfortable feelings. She cracked a few jokes...but I can handle that. I just wonder why I feel so free to discuss stuff with her that I've never told anyone before? I think maybe it's because she is the first person I've been in a relationship with that didn't require me to fix anything for her. So, now it's left me time to look within myself and discover somethings that may need fixing within myself.

So what are these things? Well, I'm wondering if maybe I was sexually molested when I was younger and blocked. This isn't a new question, but it seems to be becoming more important for me to look into it. I'm afraid though. I'm afraid of what I might find...but I think that it's time to find out.

Well the name of the journal is Desperately Seeking Me....I guess I'm on that path.

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