self-examination
2003-05-10, 7:12 p.m.

MyLove seems to want me to need her, love her completely, be clingy and devoted to her....yet...when I do those things....she feels suffocated.

Now (my therapist would be so proud), I need to figure out which of those things makes ME happy. That's a hard question.

Do I feel better when I'm needy, and clingy, and dependant?

Honestly, yes, sometimes I do...but only if she's giving me what I want in return...That is, when she gives me lots of affection, compliments, attention, mushiness, etc.

How do I feel when I'm more independant, less affectionate, less needy emotionally?

Pretty much scared and lonely.

Okay that sucks...that means that I can only feel happy when someone is giving me what I need?? That can't be right. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to know how to make myself happy.

Okay, so how do I make myself happy? What makes me happy?

Love - I suppose I can love myself...I'm working on that.

Kisses - Can't kiss myself.

Hugs - I can hug myself...but it doesn't really have the same affect.

Sunshiney Days - Yes, but I can't control mother nature...but I guess I can get out into the sun more.

Reading - I do read ALOT...but I suppose I could read more.

Socializing with friends - I've been doing a lot of that. I treasure my friends.

Socializing with friends with MyLove - As much as I love my friends and love hanging with them...I still love it more when the woman I love is with me. And to her credit...she's doing really well there. I think she truly likes my friends and enjoys spending time with them.

Spending time with family - Now this is sort of conditional. I love my grandparents...I really do...and I enjoy having dinner over there and talking with them, but what I miss are the big family parties we used to have when my mom was alive. It's like no family get together is the same now without her.

Okay I think that's enough self-examination for now...whew, my head hurts.

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