scared and ashamed
2003-05-14, 9:22 a.m.

Tomorrow is my therapy appointment. I'm nervous. I think that I remember something...but I'm not sure. It's so fucking confusing because what I thought was the truth all these years has cracks in it now, but are the cracks the truth or a lie? I just don't know. I don't want to talk myself into remembering something that didn't really happen. How do I know what is real and what is not?

I think that I might have blocked the fact that maybe something did happen with someone it shouldn't have happened with...I still can't say for sure who. But I think the worst part of it may be that whatever did happen...I enjoyed it...and now I feel sick thinking that maybe I did. Is this normal? I don't know. I never thought I'd been molested...but now I think I might have been...but what is worse? That I was molested? Or the fact that maybe I enjoyed it, because it was love and it was attention and it felt good. Does this make me a completely sick and twisted person? Is this the reason that I felt complete and utter shame every time I had an orgasm, no matter who gave it to me? Is this why I have not found a man that can satisfy me sexually? Is it why I feel the safest I've ever felt with anyone, now that I'm with a woman?

I'm really hoping to get to the bottom of some of these questions tomorrow. But I'm scared and I'm ashamed....

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