finally she admits she was wrong
2005-06-03, 10:25 a.m.

It's Friday, oh thank God it's Friday. This has been a very long two weeks, and my vacation is looming ahead of me at the end of the month. I cannot wait.

So after arguing through email and on the phone last night, I think I FINALLY got my point across to Eagle. She realizes and admits that what she did was wrong and that it's NOT wrong for me to set up a back up plan in situations like that. I don't have to be at her mercy like that, and I won't be. Ever.

So she agreed that she fucked up and that she is going to "get back on track." We'll see. That's all I can muster right now. If she does, great. If she doesn't, I'm getting my ducks in a row so that I can get the hell out of dodge if need be.

She keeps stressing to me the importance of "family" and that we are family to each other and that family doesn't leave each other, no matter what. I told her, "maybe in YOUR family people verbally and emotional abused each other, but in MY family that did not happen." I told her I am not going to lay down my free will to her. She must earn my love and loyalty, and then she must not take it for granted that it will always be there, no matter what she does. Life doesn't work that way, or at least I don't work that way.

It is insane to me that she would ever imagine that I would just put up with her shit and NOT contemplate leaving. Hell most people would have left, who am I kidding, most people would never have tangoed with her in the first place, but that's neither here nor there now.

The fact is, I've been through too much shit in my 35 years to put up with another person's verbal and emotional jabs. We've had some really great times, but nothing so great as to put up with verbal and emotional abuse. I won't do it, and that's all there is to it.

With that said, however, I won't just give up on someone who is trying. She's come a long way in the past two years, and even longer in the past six months. This was the first bad episode in a while, I'm willing to forgive and move on...provided it doesn't happen again real soon. Hopefully it'll never happen again, but if she can put some good quality love, honor, and respect in for another six months to a year, I'll stick it out. If she starts to decline again, I'll make the treatment ultimatum.

Speaking of treatment, I brought the subject up yesterday, she still did not want to hear it. She is so cocky in that she feels she's "been there, done that" so many times in her life, that treatment is beneath her anymore. She says she knows what she has to do and can do it on her own. I'm not pleased with that thinking, but what can I do? I can't make her go, and it would do much good if I did. All I can do is look out for me and my best interests. That is what I'll be doing and doing it with a magnifying glass.

I will not live in fear of her next outburst. I love myself too much for that. But I'll give her a chance to prove herself, for awhile. And just see how it goes. I know myself well enough to know, that when/if the time comes to move on, I will.

Tonight, however, we are supposed to go on a "date." I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully we can have a fun and relaxed evening together.

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