some enlightment
2005-06-06, 9:24 a.m.

Well here it is, once again, Monday morning.

I had a pretty good weekend. Eagle and I did a lot of open and honest talking. She is freaked that I might leave her and I refused to tell her that I wouldn't. I told her that she takes it for granted and then acts and treats me badly figuring I'll never leave her. I told her that is not right and I asked her to admit that it is WRONG to treat me the way that she did. She did admit that it was wrong and promises not to do that anymore. She admits she fell off the wagon and is putting herself back on it once again. I hate to feel this nagging feelings of doubt, but nevertheless, I do. I want to believe in her, but she has some work to do to regain my trust.

So, I'm left with just waiting it out. I don't have the gumption to leave just yet. Not sure how my heart feels. I know that I love her, I am attracted to her, she still makes me laugh, and think, and I enjoy spending time with her for the most part. I am still craving some alone time and I think she finally gets that. In fact yesterday she went outside to work on the garden and chat with the neighbors and left me to my own devices for awhile, which was nice. She spoke her fears that she and I would end up in separate rooms like her parents someday. I told her that they've been married for 40 years, and that might happen to us 40 years from now, but in the meantime it's overkill. I'm feeling smothered and it's not a good feeling. She seems to get this now and is looking at it logically, finally. So, we'll see how it goes.

I went to church for the first time in a long time yesterday and the message was just what I needed to hear. It was a reminder that I cannot control other people. I can only control myself and my reactions. The more I try to change Eagle the worse it makes the situation. I cannot change her. I forget that sometimes, but I'm going to try to remember that. The minister also said that there are no mistakes in life, only lessons learned. Sometimes we take longer to learn the lessons than we think we should have, but it is not for us to determine. Time does not exist and therefore, time is not our enemy. I've been so wrapped up in wondering if I'm wasting my life away with Eagle. But I can't think in those terms. I have to remember that I am right where I am supposed to be.

I think that this relationship is like the culmination of my life's lessons on being co-dependant. I have worked so hard to break free of that, but I just keep slipping back into it with her. I figure if I can get to a point where I am not co-dependent with someone so dependant as Eagle, then I have truly learned that lesson. And, I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

So, that was my weekend, I've got more I'd like to write about, but the boss is on the war path. Bye for now.

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