Back to work and life
2004-06-07, 9:25 a.m.

Well I made it. I moved in without too much of a problem on Saturday. I really like my new place. It feels strange. I know I lived alone in the house for part of the last year and a half, but this somehow feels different. Probably because it's a locked down lease, my friends aren't the landlords, and it's a one bedroom. No one will be moving in with me, for sure. That's a good thing though. It really is.

Okay, on the Eagle front. Let's see. She has gone back and forth from begging me to come back, to promising me she'll get her shit together, to guilting me, to now shutting me out (so it seems). It sucks to have a big heart sometimes. I actually feel guilty. I have no reason to feel that way. I gave her every chance and she took it and more every step of the way. She is the one who verbally and physically hurt me. I did nothing but protect myself. And yet, I feel guilty. What the fuck?

I'm seeing my therapist every week for the next few weeks. I need to work on some things.

MyExLove has informed me that she and TheExFromHell are living happily ever after. I think I realized finally that I was really just a pawn in their twisted relationship. It sucks, but that's life. I still love her, unfortunately. But I think that is because she truly was my first true love. And that takes time to get over. I've sat and tried to think of the reasons that I love her and I can't come up with any. She and I have little in common, our humor is different, she never was the affectionate romantic that I wanted her to be. There's no logical reason for me to still have these feelings for her. But I guess logic doesn't count in love.

As for Eagle? I do love her. But it's not the overwhelming, heart pounding, knees shaking kind of love. And right now with the crap she's pulling, I have no desire to hear her whine about how horrible her life is. I really don't. There's too many people in the world with REAL problems. She needs to start fixing herself and stop crying about it. It sounds harsh, but that's how I feel.

I've decided that my priorities for at least the next year is my physical and mental health; my career; and my friends and family. Notice...no love life in there. It's not even on the agenda.

So, it's back to work for me. Thanks for the comments from everyone and Jenn, I tried calling, but I must have the wrong number stored. Call or write!

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