I have faith
2005-06-08, 8:51 a.m.

Well last night was interesting. The good news is, Eagle didn't drink. The bad news is, she took four xanax and three sleeping pills. So, what greeted me when I got home was a very groggy Eagle who tried to pretend there was nothing wrong. She knew that I saw through it, she knew that I knew she picked up her meds from the drug store and took more than the prescribed doses. She also knew that I was irritated by it. I asked her for the bottles she got defensive.

Then surprise of all surprises she decided at 8:00 to go upstairs and "read" by herself. I was not going to stop her. By ANY means.

So she went upstairs, our friend P who was there left, and I thought, well maybe, just maybe, I'll get to do whatever I want for awhile. Not so. Every 10 minutes she was calling down to me. "when are you coming up?" "will you bring advil?" "Do you know where the newspaper is?" etc. So I gave up finally at 9:00 and went upstairs too.

So I get upstairs and she tells me she's horny. Nearly knocked me over, but I'm not one to pass up the opportunity, trust me. So, we had sex. Then she rolled over and fell asleep.

I'm feeling very conflicted right now. I see her pseudo-trying to do the right things. But I still have that nagging feeling that she's just putting band aids on the issues. I don't know, I suppose time will tell.

I still long greatly for my own apartment, my own life, I don't care if I'm lonely, or alone. I just want my own life for awhile. Not forever, but for awhile. I wish that feeling would go away, but it isn't so far.

I don't want to break Eagle's heart, and I know that it would be a horrible thing for her if I broke up with her. I know that I can't stay somewhere just because of how it would affect the other person, but neither can I just turn the other cheek and say, "oh well." At least not yet. If I left her, what would she do? I suppose I have to tell myself that she's 34 years old and she can and will take care of herself. But realistically I see her falling down into a very dark place and maybe never coming back from it. I see her family's hopes of her recovery crushed. I see her nephew who has come to love me and know me as aunt cady as where I am, hurt to know that I'll never see him again. It's all so very very complicated.

How can people I've known over the years, including my ex, just up and walk away? I suppose I did that with my ex-husband, but it was somehow different. I knew that he could make it through it. I didn't even think he loved me anymore.

Well that's enough for now. I've still got my mind made up to stay in this for awhile longer and see where it goes. Time is afterall not real so it does not matter. All will work out as it should, I have faith.

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