I wanna be free
2005-06-09, 8:32 a.m.

Well the big anniversary party for Eagle's parents is Sunday. I'll be very glad when it is over. I've set an internal deadline for myself. I'm going to let things settle after the party next week, but I've made it clear to Eagle that there will be no alcohol use, nor any over medication. If she abides by this AND gives me the space I've been asking for over and over, I'll stick with this. But if not, I'm gone.

Last night after hearing the guilt poured on because I chose to play a game on the computer for a HALF hour, I was done. I just can't listen to her shit anymore. I lay in bed trying to figure out a way out. I know I can stay with my aunt, that's a given. But how to actually leave?

Once I say that I am leaving Eagle will become inconsolable. In the past she has physically kept me from moving by placing herself in front me, or the door. I can't get by her without physical contact and I don't want to get into that. Yet I don't want to call the police either. It's such a mess.

My life is a mess. My finances suck, my credit is going down the drain, my mind is more scattered then ever, and my heart is heavy and yet empty at the same time. I think I've slowly come to the realization that this is NOT going to work with Eagle. It's just actually doing it that is the real hard part.

I keep telling myself that once I just get out and get my stuff out, it'll be okay. She'll probably call work a lot by my co-workers are great and they'll field the calls. I can turn my cell phone off, she doens't know my aunt's number or where she lives so I shouldn't have a problem there. It's just the actual leaving part.

How do I get my furniture? Show up with police? with a friend? with a family member? I want her out of the condo while I'm packing and moving, but that's never going to happen. What do I say to her family? Anything? What do I do when she tells me she's going to kill herself? What do I do when she cries and screams and tells me how she can't live without me? How will she manage when I'm gone?

Why is this so damn hard? How did I walk away from my ex-husband after 12 years without looking back? How did I walk away from my-exlove so easily? Is it because I'm walking away to be alone and although that is what I want, it's still scarey to think I'll be alone forever? Is it because I have this huge God complex that thinks that I am the very breath that Eagle lives on?

I feel like a coward. I feel like I led her on. I feel like I let her down. I feel like I am running away.

Hell I'm talking as if I'm already on my way out the door, but I'm not. Not yet. I have to at least get through this anniversary party. I'm not making any decisions until then at the very least.

But if someone gave me a wish right now, I'd close my eyes and wish that I was in my own apartment, no contact with Eagle, no girlfriend, no commitments to anyone, just alone and free. Just free.

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