For now
2004-06-10, 8:36 a.m.

Okay, although the day is cloudy, my outlook is brighter. I actually woke up today, took a shower, got ready for work and didn't think about MyExLove until driving into work. I think that's progress.

Had a really great counselling session last night. We talked about all the losses I've experienced in the past few years. And there have been many. We agreed that it's natural to be having some of the anger issues I've been having. In some ways I need to go over on the opposite end of NOT trusting; NOT having faith in others; NOT allowing myself to love like I usually do. But only for a time. The time it'll take me to heal. And then I can regain a balance of the two extremes.

That makes sense. It helps to know that what I'm feeling is normal and natural.

It is very strange that my "old" self is still trying to reach out to people to fill me up with what I need. While my "new" self, the one who is in protection mode, is putting up wall after wall to keep me safe.

I realized last night that I really need to fill myself up with what I need for awhile and then when I have done that, I won't feel the need to get those things from someone else.

In theory it sounds great. It's the practice that becomes difficult. It is hard for me not to seek comfort in Eagle's arms and love. I know she is there, waiting and wanting me to come to her. But I can't do that. That would not be a productive thing in my healing.

It's hard not to call MyExLove just to hear her familiar voice. But I need to stop doing that too. And I have stopped that for the most part. There was a time that we spoke every day. But now I am fighting each urge to call her. Slowly those urges will lessen, I hope.

I am realizing that as much as I don't want to, I HAVE to feel the pain and mourn my losses to get over them. And that sucks. But my therapist promises that on the other side I will be a healthier and happier person. Ready and able to be in a healthy and happy relationship.

For now I'll have to let her words be my faith because I've lost my ability to have faith in the happy things. It's just safer that way. For now.

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