Enjoying life
2004-06-18, 9:38 a.m.

Yeah. It's Friday. This was a very long week. Work was stressful, but I think I really shined this week. I think I proved myself to some bosses around here. Now, whether it makes a difference, remains to be seen. Around here there are a lot of factor that go into moving up. And work performance is not very high up on that list. Unfortunately.

Had a good counseling session. My therapist thinks I'm doing pretty good. She told me that I have a very special and intense gift of empathy. I need to start looking around when I feel bad for no reason. I probably pick up on other people's pain and I need to learn how to recognize that. She tells me my empathy is a gift. Right now, it feels like a curse.

I left my session feeling really good though. I feel like I'm re-inventing myself. It is starting to dawn on my that I am my own person. I can do whatever I want. I've made a couple of rash decisions lately and I think that's a rebound affect of having my own independence for the first time. I'm stretching my legs and it feels good. It feels really good.

Eagle and I talked again yesterday and she wanted me to promise that I would not sleep with anyone else. I told her that I would absolutely not promise her any such thing. She has no right to ask me that even. She explained that although I have told her over and over again that we are not a couple. She cannot think of us that way. She said she will wait forever for me to come back to her. Dear God, I don't know what to do about that. I talked to my therapist and told her that I don't WANT to cut her out of my life completely. I just don't. But I don't want to give Eagle the hope that we could get back together either. At least not for a long time, and having her be clean and sober for a long time as well. My therapist advised that I should take it one day at a time. And that's what I'll do. I remind Eagle as much as I can that we are not a couple and I will behave as such. I've already decided that much of what I do will remain unsaid with her. If I go out with someone or kiss someone, or anything like that, I just won't tell her. I can't. It would hurt her too much. And, she doesn't need to know. It's really none of her business.

This living for myself is fun. I like it. It takes some practice though. It's easy for me to fall back into thinking about others first. But I'm doing good. And the more I do it, the better it gets.

I feel like I'm really truly living for the first time in my life.

last - next