feeling nostalgic
2004-06-23, 8:38 a.m.

I am finally starting to catch up from this weekend. Boy drinking two nights in a row and the lack of sleep I had really hit me hard.

Last night I went through some old yearbooks. I had forgotten that MyexLove had signed my yearbook way back then. It was funny to read it. Basically it said, I'm glad we met, hope we always stay great friends, and I'm sorry about some of the fights we've had, they were stupid. Boy that sort of sums up our relationship this time around too!

I started to remember a bit about our relationship back then. And it was very tumultuous. We were always bickering and fighting about something. What about though, I don't remember. But in her paragraph to me, it said, "just don't try to be so tough." And I that brought back a huge memory. She was always saying that to me. "Don't be so tough." I wish I could go back and witness what our relationship was like. You know the whole, "knowing then, what I know now" type of thing. But I can't. I'm stil having bad days with missing MyexLove.

Despite all that has happened with Eagle and I, she and I still talk. She has been there for me through the last year of ups and downs with MyexLove and above all, she KNOWS just how much I loved MyexLove. Anyway, she told me not too long ago that the love I feel for MyexLove will probably never go away completely. That pain will be there, but I'll get used to it. Like someone gets used to wearing glasses, or a new ring, at first it feels akward and irritating, but eventually you get so used to it that, even though you know its there, you hardly notice it. I thought that was pretty insightful of her and I think she's right.

I'm not sure even MyexLove really knew just how much I loved her, and for how long. Hell, I don't think even I realized it. But I did. I loved her with my entire soul. It just sucks that she couldn't return it. It doesn't make sense to find that one person who fills your soul so completely, and they don't feel the same in return. That should not be allowed to happen.

But despite that deep love I have for her, my head has finally prevailed over my heart. I know that we can't be together. I know that we wouldn't work. I know that I deserve to have someone love me the same in return.

In the meantime, I'm finding my way to loving myself that completely and totally. When I can do that, I'll be ready to be loved and to love completely.

I guess I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today. I miss MyexLove a lot. I guess reading that yearbook caused that. But I'm doing okay despite the feelings. I'm actually pretty happy. And I plan to stay that way.

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