and then there was round two
2003-06-25, 8:58 a.m.

Round Two. Last night started out pretty good. But sometime around 8:30 I just got pissed off. MyLove had yet to give me any eye contact, let alone a kiss or hug or anything AGAIN! And, in fact, she had not even said anything nice to me, plus I was mad that she'd hung up on me early that day. So I picked a fight.

This fight turned into the most intense fight we've ever had. The core of it was....I finally realized why I don't trust her completely and why I still have such hostility toward her. I told her I feel like I was duped. That she presented herself to me in the beginning as this whole and loving person who wanted nothing more than to "love me the way you deserve to be loved." And now, 8 months later, she's so completely different and I'm pissed off. I also told her that I can't forgive her for the lies she's handed me and the way she treated me when TheExfromHell was here and the fact that she's never once apologized or asked my forgiveness....in fact she has done nothing about it at all. I was just expected to forgive and forget it....and I can't.

She told me that she won't apologize for it, until I forgive her for it! Yeah, you heard that right. I lost it I saw red and I chucked the remote in my hand across the room and screamed at her..."FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!" I hated her in that moment. She sat and looked at me, almost laughing. I stalked into the bedroom to get dressed. I was leaving, this was it.

After more yelling and screaming she started to push me. She pushed me into the t.v. stand where I cut my leg, and finally I faced her and I told her to take her hands off me. She said no. I said if you're gonna hit me, you'd better do it now, cause it'll be the last chance she ever got. She said she wasn't gonna hit me, so I told her to back up off me. She did.

And then she apologized. And then she came to me and kissed me. And then she told me that hasn't forgiven herself for what she did, for what she has become. And then she told me she doesn't know if she can get over my past. And then we talked...quietly.

I'm not sure how I feel today. I'm scared that the physical stuff is the start of a road I don't want to go down. I'm scared that I'll never be able to be free of her from my heart. I'm confused, sad, hurt, angry....and yet I love her so much.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

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