fear
2003-07-02, 9:24 a.m.

I've come to an important realization. MyLove is not going anywhere. For all her threats to do so, she never does. For all the times she says she's unhappy and wants out...she doesn't really. How do I know this? It just clicked last night.

We fought over the stupidest thing. She started name calling again...and I told her that I don't want to be called names. She can speak to me without disrespecting me. Then she went into the age old routine of "I'm not happy and I want out." I looked at her square in the face and said, "I want out too." And right then, it clicked....I saw the look in her eyes. She doesn't want out. She doesn't want me out. I'm not sure how I felt at that point. I know I was verging on disappointment mixed with relief. I fully realize now that if I want this relationship to end, it will be up to me to end it. She's not going anywhere, and why should she? She's got it made.

She said, "if we can't find the love we once had...." blah blah blah. I told her it frustrates me to no end to hear her say that because I have been consistent in this relationship, she is the one with the walls that go up and down, with the heart that goes cold and hot, and for her to say "we" pisses me off. Because it's her. She needs to get her head out of her ass and start loving me unconditionally like she used to. She didn't deny that.

Last night's fight was prompted because I showed fear. Fear to her is weakness. She cannot tolerate weakness. I told her that I was afraid to drive the 12 hours to NC alone. That prompted her outburst. I told her to get over it because everyone has fears and if I can't feel comfortable to express my fears to her, then I can't be in a relationship with her.

We went to bed happy, laughing, kidding, and yes I'm going to drive to NC alone. I said I was afraid, but I didn't say I was going to let that fear stop me.

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