An ode to Eagle
2004-07-07, 7:58 a.m.

I feel like time is standing still. I got up at my normal time, but I was ready fast and traffic was great, so here I am a half hour early for work. It's so quiet in here. It's kind of nice.

I'm feeling strange today. I broke down and called MyexLove this morning on the way to work. I hadn't called in quite some time. But I guess I just missed her. And I still do. But I guess she and TheExFromHell are happy together. I suppose if I love her as much as I've said, I should be happy for her. I guess I am. I just can't help but think she settled. But maybe she was really settling when she was with me. Who knows. I'll probably never know. I've really got to let it go.

Eagle stayed at my house last night. It was an adventure. She has insomnia anyway. So, sleeping in a bed not her own is already difficult for her. But she irritated the hell out of me by getting up a million times during the night, talking to me while I was sleeping, had to have the radio on. So this morning when I got up to go to work, I woke her butt up too. I'll be damned if she's going to keep my ass up all night and then sleep in! I know it was kind of childish, but oh well.

So more about the weekend. First let me say that Eagle was clean the entire weekend, which is really awesome. Okay clean except for pot. Which I really have no problems with. But we ran out of that on Sunday, so Sunday and Monday she spent with no substances whatsoever. And she was great. I saw this person that I love so very much emerge. She was happy, confident, calm, reassuring, and wonderful.

We did have one fight though. And I take most of the blame for it. You see it's really hard for me to admit when I'm not happy. Or when I need a hug. Or when I just need something/anything. So Saturday at the wedding, hearing my dad's pride about my sister's new found love of God really hurt me. So I was feeling rejected and hurt and instead of telling Eagle this, I got distant and crabby with her. Which in turn got her crabby with me. But the greatest thing is, on Sunday as we were sitting in the car drinking coffee and barely talking, we dropped the anger and we talked. We were both able to let it go and just talk. I've never had that with anyone. And in talking with her, my emotions swept over me and she held me while I cried. She was there for me. She let me cry and she held me and comforted me. Then when my tears were spent, she made me laugh. And I love her for that. We were able to go on and have a really great day. Neither of us holding on to anything. Except each other.

My friends don't get to see those things with us. And that's my fault too. I only talk about the bad with them it seems. It's not on purpose, but I've been fighting these feelings I've had for her for so long that it became a habit not to talk about her great points. And she has many great points.

I'm not foolish enough to believe that she doesn't still have her bad points, and I'm not glossing over the bad either. She is an addict. She'll always be an addict. I understand this. But I see her wanting to become a recovering addict. I see her wanting to be a responsible adult and a giving partner.

I don't think by giving her this chance that I am settling. I am keeping enough of myself back so that I can keep a clear perspective too. I know without a doubt that if she ever gets physical with me again, I will walk away. I know she knows this too.

I am happy that I moved out on my own for this next year. Yeah, money may be tight sometimes, but my independence is priceless. If we can both grow and become better people and adults in this next year, our relationship at the end of the year will be that much stronger and healthier.

So yeah this entry seems to be an ode to Eagle, but it's also an ode to me, and to my decision to give her this chance, and to my intelligence and life experience. Some may not agree with my choices, but that's okay. Because they are my choices. Those that love me will support me in whatever I choose, and this I know.

last - next