happy and confident
2004-07-09, 8:12 a.m.

I am so glad it's Friday. It was really hard to drag myself in this morning. Really hard.

Yesterday was a bad day for Eagle's addiction. It was so bad that she ended up buying a bottle of vodka. However, she couldn't drink it. She tried, but she couldn't do it. When I got to her place she was sullen. I figured something was up. Eventually she confessed. And then, she poured the bottle down the drain in front of me. She said she doesn't know why she bought it. She said she doesn't know what to do when she feels that overwhelming desire to drink. I told her I was very proud of her for the way she did handle it. She could have easily came home and drank and got drunk. But she didn't. She could have not told me about it at all, but she did. She could have let me dispose of the alcohol, but she did it herself, in front of me.

I don't know, but I feel like that was a breakthrough for her. I also feel like if I was living with her, I might not be so able to handle it as well as I did. She still doesn't understand that. I'm not sure I really do either. But it's a fact that I can be more objective, not as easily manipulated, guilted, and everything else, as long as I know I have a place of my own to go to. I'm very glad for that.

Eagle and I discussed what we think the trigger for her buying the alcohol was. We narrowed it down to a couple different things, but mainly its the impending job that she interviewed for. It looks like she's going to get this job and it terrifies her. I told her that it's natural for her to be terrified, but she can do it.

The strangest part of last night was my calmness. Normally whenever she's turned to alcohol in the past, I've lost my patience, gotten intensely angry, and usually walked away. But this time I didn't. This time I felt like this was a lesson she had to learn. It was important for her to have the alcohol and NOT drink it. The fact that she did that is awesome. Not that I've had a lot of experience helping people with addictions, but it seems that this is a good thing.

I'm still afraid that she'll lose this battle, but for now, I have faith. And I'm so proud of myself right now. Proud that I handled the situation the way I did, and proud that I didn't panic. I think that I've planted that seed inside myself. The seed that is growing and filling in the empty places within me. I don't feel scared to be alone anymore. I know without a doubt that I have the confidence to walk away from any situation that becomes unhealthy for me. Having this confidence helps me to look at this relationship objectively and not get sucked in. I can help, support, and reassure her, without losing myself. That is awesome to me.

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