a night out
2003-07-11, 10:00 a.m.

Last night was great. MyLove and I went to dinner with a local lesbian group. MyLove was nervous, it was obvious. She kept cracking jokes, but when the women started to approach us and introduce themselves, she was very polite, friendly, and charming. We even ended up signing up to participate in some upcoming activities. I was surprised at how willing she was to do that.

After the dinner we went to the gay bar. We had a drink, I sang a song on karaoke and then we went home. But throughout the night we talked a lot.

I figured out something interesting. MyLove has always been attracted to straight women. She didn't deny that.

So I brought up some things I'd been wondering about. Specifically, am I not straight enough for her anymore. She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either. She said that I'm not as femme as I used to be. I told her I disagree. I asked her if maybe that's just not her perception. I also told her she is fully of contradictions. She hates it when I show weakness, yet she wants me to be needy, yet she hates it when I'm TOO needy. Seems like I can't win....actually it seems like she needs to figure out just exactly what it is she wants and I need to remember that it's HER issue, not mine.

I also found out that this is the longest time she has gone having sex with only one person. That shed a lot of light for me. I said to her, "so you're thinking...oh my God, this is the LAST person I'll ever have sex with!" She said, "yeah kinda." Okay so now I understand a bit more.

She also said that she is the type of person who will stay in a relationship and be miserable just because she is so dedicated. I told her to NEVER do that with us. She said, she'll never tell me she's miserable. I told her I'd know and if I feel she is, I'll end it because I do not want to be in a relationship with her if she's not happy in it. I deserve better than that.

It was a really fun and relaxing time with MyLove and she told me as we laid in bed that she had a great time too.

Tonight is our romance date night. I'm kind of nervous about it. I'm afraid that we won't be able to be relaxed and comfortable. I'm afraid that she won't be "in the mood" but will pretend for my sake. I'm afraid she'll reject me. But I guess I've got to take that chance. Part of me keeps wanting to just forget it and tell her I'm too tired. But I think that's my fight or flight kicking in.

Wish me luck....here's to hoping we have some good and hot sex tonight!

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