rejected and embarrassed
2003-07-14, 8:47 a.m.

I guess I had every reason to be afraid that Friday would not happen the way I wanted it to. I had planned, and fantasized, and looked forward to it so much. And I was let down again. My feelings were crushed.

All night MyLove kept putting it off and putting it off. Finally around 11:00 she decided we should go to bed, but the dogs came with us, and were placed between us in bed. I realized at that point that we were not having sex that night. So, as she rolled over to go to sleep, with no explanation, I said, "so just out of curiousity, did you just not want to have sex tonight?" And then she got angry.

She said that she feels that all I want is sex. She said that our relationship is too weak right now to worry about sex. That we need to connect again without sex. She said that before this week she felt that she was falling out of love with me. And that it's only been this past week where we've actually talked and enjoyed each other's company that she has started to fall back in love with me.

I listened to all that she said, and I tried to explain that I did not want to "use" sex for anything other than to show her how much I love her. But that if she didn't want to have sex, I would never force it, but I wish she'd have told me earlier. She rolled over and slept, and I cried.

I cried because all my fears about her lack of affection were confirmed. All the times she turned away from my kisses, or kept her distance in a hug really did mean what I feared. That she wasn't feeling the love and affection for me that she once had. All her claims of needing to "adjust" were bullshit. I suddenly felt like a pathetic asshole. I remembered all the thwarted overtures and my face burned with the embarrassment of it, my heart ached with the knowledge of it, my eyes wept from the realization of it.....My Love really had fallen out of love with me.

The next day I tried to talk to her about it. She, of course, got angry and defensive. She could not understand why I felt the humiliation that I felt. But she did comfort me. She did say that she never really did fall out of love with me, but just that she thought she "might" be falling out of love. She said that I should not feel like a pathetic asshole.

Of course we talked and we talked, but we didn't fight, we didn't yell or scream. And we made up. And she kissed me very nicely and she said we'd be all right.

I'm feeling okay today, I had Saturday and Sunday night alone to work through me feelings and I've done well. I'm proud of myself. I still love her with all my heart, but if she is ready to give up, I will let her go, without a fight. If she wants me to continue to be patient, I'll do that for awhile too. If she wants to move out and just date, I'll even do that. But above all, I'm going to do what makes ME happy in the meantime. AND, I'm not making any sexual advances toward her until she makes the move to me. I'm tired of the rejection.

last - next