I was a FOOL in love
2006-07-13, 10:04 a.m.

Last night I was so down in the dumps. My leg was hurting (as usual) and I just wanted one day without pain. It's so very tiring to be in pain so much. I know that lots of people have it much worse then me, and I don't really let it get to me too much, but last night I did.

I told Eagle that I wanted my mommy and she was sympathetic and said, "why don't you pray to her?" So I did. And would you believe, this morning I woke up and felt a lot better. Granted as the day is going along, it's getting more sore, but it really felt pretty darn good this morning. So thanks mom, if that was you.

So that's about it. My spirits are a bit better now. I'm feeling a little sad that my lease is up on my car this month and I have to go turn it in. I've had it for three years and I love my car, but I can't afford to buy it, so I'm going to turn it in. I'm just going to drive Eagle's van for the next year or so because she can't drive anyway. Then, maybe I'll get a new car in a year.

Yesterday I got caught up in reading my old journal entries. Boy that is strange. You know what the good news is though? I don't even remember the overwhelming love I felt for MyLove. That feeling I was so afraid of losing....we'll I've lost it, but that's okay I guess. I know I had it at one time, but I can't remember what it feels like so it's not like I'm missing it. Does that make sense?

Oh and I just have one thing to say about myself back then.....boy was I stupid! lol Seriously. And the thing of it is, I didn't think that I was being fooled, I really thought that she felt the same way as me. But there were SO MANY obvious signs that she was not on the same page as me. And now it is so clear that she only wanted me when I pushed her away. It's also clear now that it wouldn't have mattered what I did to try and make her happy, it was never going to work. And lastly, it's pretty clear that we were not meant to be together. Yeah, she's still the one in my life that made my heart beat like no one else, but time does heal and numb a lot. And now that I've come to realize all of this. My feelings for Eagle have deepened and I'm feeling much more content and in love with her then before. It was also as if my heart was feeling like Eagle was just a second choice. But that's now how I'm feeling anymore, and that's good because Eagle didn't deserve that. And its good because I don't feel like I've lost this piece of my heart anymore. I had the experience and I've moved on officially now.

But BOY WAS I A FOOL IN LOVE! lol

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