Blasphemous Rumors
2005-07-14, 8:51 a.m.

So therapy was good. I don't know why but I always stifle my tears in therapy. Why am I so ashamed to be seen crying? I hate that. I think it's because I used to hurt so much when I saw my mom cry....maybe.

We talked a lot about my job and about home. I told her that right now, my focus is at work and I am going to do whatever I can at home to make it happy and peaceful and just see how it goes.

Last night Eagle asked me how I feel our relationship is. It took awhile for me to formulate my answer but I ended up telling her that it's unpredictable, some days good, some days bad. She wanted a percentage, so I told her right now it's 50% good and 50% bad. She was upset that I felt that way, but I can't help that. I told her that it seems that whenever she wants to use she does and that seems to be every other day or so lately. She thinks that just because she's not "mean" when she uses that it couldn't possibly upset me, but she's wrong. It does. I can't stand to see her stagger around, slurring her words, and acting like a space case. It hurts me to see her like that, and it takes the person that I love inside her away from me and puts this buffoon in her place. I hate that, and my feelings of hate toward that buffoon are growing and I can't help it.

She said again, "please don't leave me." I said, "please don't use again." She said she can't promise that, I said I can't promise it either. That's the way it is.

In other earth quaking news, today will be my first day in training with the target group. I'll just be observing, but I had to "dress professionally" today. I hate nylons. I hate nylons with a passion! But here I am in nylons and I look damn good. I have to say. I look the professional package.

As I was getting dressed today feeling pride in myself I felt a sudden sadness. As I've been saying, I wish I had my mom alive and well to tell me she is proud of me, but that's not possible. So, wouldn't it have been nice for my father to say so? Yeah, it would have, but he didn't.

So I get to work and check my email and there's an email from my dad. I click it and it's a link to the American Family Association...those narrow minded, homophobic, ignorant people who claim that a family cannot have values unless it is a heterosexual family! Instantly I felt my anger rise and I started formulating what humiliating things I could reply to my dad and his whole list. I could say, "oh family values huh? Dad, tell us all how much you valued your family. When's the last time you told your daughter you're proud of her? Ever?"

But not to worry, my sensibility prevailed. Humiliating my father will not help the situation, but maybe educating him will. So I clicked REPLY TO ALL, and wrote this: "Please click the following link for an important message about equal rights for all humans. And then I pasted HRC's website and clicked send.

So I've got a mother who would have cried tears of pride at my promotion, and she's dead. Alive and remarkably well, I have a father who can't bring himself to tell his daughter anything positive. Life really is a joke sometimes.

Not to say that I'm getting overly cynical or anything, but the lyrics to Depeche Mode's "Blasphemous Rumors" seem especially poignant today.

"Blasphemous Rumors"
by Depeche Mode

Girl of sixteen
Whole life ahead of her
Slashed her wrists
Bored with life
Didn't succeed
Thank the Lord
For small mercies

Fighting back the tears
Mother reads the note again
Sixteen candles burn in her mind
She takes the blame
It's always the same
She goes down on her knees and prays

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die, I expect to find him laughing

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die, I expect to find him laughing

Girl of eighteen
Fell in love with everything
Found new life in Jesus Christ
Hit by a car
Ended up
On a life support machine

Summer's day
As she passed away
Birds were singing in the summer's sky
Then came the rain
And once again
A tear fell from her mother's eye

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die, I expect to find him laughing

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die, I expect to find him laughing

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