doing okay
2003-07-18, 9:27 a.m.

I'm doing okay. Really. Not just saying that to convince myself. Yes, I'm still scared, but I think that's normal. Yes, I'm feeling the inevitable loneliness lurking on the outskirts just waiting to move in when she is gone. But I'm still doing okay. I've been lonely before, I can deal with it.

Crazily, the hardest part has been the fact that since this decision has been made, MyLove has been wonderful. Happy, affectionate, caring, attentive, everything I wanted her to be before. I can tell she is truly happy again. It's hard not to take that personally. It's hard not to think the reason for her happiness is because he's finally getting rid of me! But I am happy to see her happy again. That is truly what I wanted from the beginning.

I'm choosing to look at this as a new beginning for MyLove and I. I am going to be the person I WANT to be all the time. I'm not going to worry about being the person she wants me to be. And, if in the process of that, we discover that we are not going to make it as a couple, then so be it. I will be okay with that.

As far as my crush goes....I got a wonderful email from her. She thanked me for my honesty and then honestly told me that she just went on a first date with someone and wants to give that relationship her full attention. But, she would like to get to know me as a friend and I think that is great! Her email was really great and it made me like her even more. I'm excited to be her friend.

Thanks goes out to my friends for your words of comfort. I truly appreciate it. I know that the road ahead is going to be hard, but I can't help but feel that, finally I'm moving with the stream, instead of against it. If that makes any sense.

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