long, emotional weekend
2003-07-21, 9:49 a.m.

This weekend was an emotional one to say the least. I did okay Friday. We went to dinner and MyLove talked about somethings in her family that were bothering her and I think that I helped. Then we went to bed.

Saturday is a different story. It started out okay, but at some point I got angry. Here she was expecting me to give her yet another time to "figure shit out." I said, "I feel like this is just one more time, I'm going to sit back and let you do what you need to do in the hopes that things will get better...but they never seem to." I also asked her what the hell I'm waiting for? I'm supposed to give her this time and space and be patient and not give up on her for what? For all the lack of attention I've gotten, for all the attitude, name calling, even physical assaults?

I told her I don't even remember the good times anymore...why should I wait for her when I don't have anything to wait for? She got it. After a couple of hours of arguing, she got it.

Now...she's loving, attentive, hand holding, kissing, calling to say I love you, missing me, everything I wanted and needed before. But is it too late? Do I really believe that this is for real? There's a big part of me screaming, "THIS ISN'T THE REAL HER, YOU KNOW THAT! DON'T LET HER FOOL YOU!" But do I really know it?

Everyone keeps telling me they've seen this scenario played out so many times and it never works. Am I arrogant enought to think that my situation is different? Mine will work! Not really. But damn with her being the person I've wanted her to be, it's sooo easy to let myself fall into her eyes, relax in her touch, and feel the warmth of the love I've craved for so long.....is that so wrong? I guess it is if I end up getting hurt again.

My crush has emailed me a few times. We haven't talked on the phone, but I've told her my situation and I've told her that all I can offer her right now is friendship. She seems to understand and agree. That makes me happy because she seems like such a fun and funny person, I really want to get to know her better. And, no, I haven't told MyLove about my crush, I will tell her that I've met a new friend, but that's all. That's all she needs to know at this point.

I guess the next six months or so will tell me what I need. The one thing I'm going to try with all my might to do is move slower. If MyLove decides she wants me to move in with her in a few months, I'm not going to! I'm going to continue to do what I WANT TO DO, and if MyLove doesn't like it, then that's her problem. I need to move slowly, and I need to tread carefully. I DO NOT WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN. Please don't let me get hurt again.

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