Hey God, it's Me Seeking
2004-07-21, 8:39 a.m.

Damn PMS! Nothing like having little tiny thoughts turn into huge mountains bathed in hormones!

Thanks so much to everyone for their comments. It really has helped. I'm still not sure what to do. I do want to bring Eagle with me on Saturday. And as one person said, my friends are all adults and one person's presence there should NOT make that big of a difference. But, I do want Eagle and my friends to have a good rapport someday and I'm concerned that forcing them to mingle too soon may cause damage to future interactions. See there I go again....worry worry worry. Geez! Get over it already Seeking, it's not the end of the world no matter what happens and your friends will love you and respect whomever you're with as long as they're treating you right. Right?

Speaking of Eagle. Last night when I got to her place I saw the coffee table loaded with wrapped presents. I wondered what they were. Turns out they were for me. So after dinner I sat down to open my presents. It was so cute. They were things that she had gotten at the drug store earlier that day. Things like shampoo and conditioner and useful stuff. It was just so cute that she wrapped them all for me. I mean who doesn't love to open presents, even if they are just everyday things inside? Along with all the useful stuff though there were two drugstore rings. They are just silver bands with sayings on them. Eagle is a big fan of these things. One says, "Fear Not" and the other one says, "True Love Waits." She said she got the true love one to tell me that she understands my need to keep my place and she knows that if our love is as true as it appears to be, it can wait until I am ready. How sweet is that? Do you see why I love her so?

On top of all those great things, she has been so productive lately and it's going on a month without any drama from her at all. Even during her PMS week. This is a huge milestone for her.

And last night I asked her how she felt during the day, how the cravings for alcohol were. She said, "you know? I don't think I thought about using today at all."

Is it possible that all she really needed was someone to believe in her? To help her believe in herself? I know not to fool myself into believing that there won't be issues to deal with in the future. That would be unrealistic. But damn...when she puts her mind to it, she can really soar.

I do love her, more and more everyday. And every night I pray for her. And I pray for me. I pray for me to have the strength and insight to know what is right for me. So far I think the prayers are working. Now if God would just tell me the answer to my quandry about this weekend....

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